my dad.

i'm waiting for dad to fetch me back at this moment. it feels like old days when i used to wait for dad outside of the MLNG gate alone with my hp. yeah sometimes, there were friends around to accompany me. there was once when i'd waited for my dad like crazy 1 hour. when he reached the gate i was mad like a cow. then i asked him if i could drive cause i seriously tired of sitting doing nothing. i didn't own any fancy gadget like ipod touch which can keep me accompanied that time. n i was too shy to listen to my ipod nano like i was some kind of cool 'guy' from the block. my dad of course had no other option and there he went to the passenger side and fasten on his belt.
i was mad that time. really really mad. and i drove like 140km/h (that was considered 'high-speed' for me as i was still having my P license). my dad kept his mouth shut and didn't even dare to ask me to slow down the car. with that speed i was driving, my heart grew hotter and when it reached a junction the car literally skidded and whoop! it was slanting like about 25 degrees off the ground. so my dad was like whoa! can you please slow this damn car, i am an old man you know! my heart laughed in mild satisfaction.
i guess dad's hot blood is in me. after all i grew up a lil bit like him, the eyes, the ears, the mouth and mini bone structure we both have. and deep inside his heart, i know i am the girl he cares and loves so much.
how can i be sure of that? i am dad's lil girl, so how do i not know? *(:*

mental.

there are things in the past which we long for. those caress touch and soul-soothing words. those empty mind we have when the school break has started. the joy we felt when the clock striked at 5 and friends were waiting outside of the house to play together. but things started to change as we grew older, the mind starts to search for things to worry about and it keeps telling the soul not to be too fragile. why is it so? because as we grow older, we will start to realise how small crack can lead to a disaster. the mind is strong enough to handle those nonsenses but not the soul. the soul will cry out for mercy. it aches and constantly gets hurt by almost everything. even if you try to hide it and cover it up by wearing barney's jumpsuit - it's like hye! look at me i am so damn happy that my body turns purple and i can't stop singing!

to you, have some self-pity and stop ruining your future just because you are too lazy to care much about it.

doesn't make sense kn? but who cares anyway?

yeah u suck big time!

ok rimas. sangat sangat i don't even know why. i need fresh air.

happy birthday, mom!

i purposely set the post date and time for this entry. just to make it special for that someone special. it's my mother, Ms Lahung Jok and she's 47 this year! this year is certainly a special year for her as she had got the title 'grandma' or in kayan 'pui doh' when my sis-in-law gave her a beautiful lil' granddaughter. we are all amazed by the beauty of this special lil' baby. her specialty in putting her mouth in many kind of shape bring lots of laughter and joy to the house. and my mom adores the baby the most. another one coming soon i pray. insya allah! (:

for you, mom. let me pray in bm ya!

aku doakan untuk kesihatan mu, agar kamu sentiasa sihat tubuh badan dan senyuman mu akan selalu terukir melihat setiap ahli keluarga mu berkumpul sekeliling mu. dan apabila kami di dalam fikiran mu juga.
aku doakan untuk kesenangan hidup mu, di dunia dan juga di akhirat. semoga Tuhan bersama mu sentiasa kerna kamu la ibu yg paling mulia. yang suda berkorban segala-gala nya untuk kami. all the white lies you had to say to cover for us, biar kami yg tanggung semua nya kerna kamu sesungguhnya sudah berkorban hidup mu untuk kegembiraan kami.
aku doakan agar kamu peroleh kegembiraan di dalam kami. aku minta maaf kerana aku telah banyak membuat kamu menangis, bersedih dan bersusah hati. i'll become a better person for you, mom. i will never quit to improve myself. trust me!
aku doakan your heart will stay young as always. cheerful as always because that's what makes you my mom. despite all the problems, you are always positive and laugh like no one hears you. i'm so proud to have you as my mother!
i pray that i can always have a big heart like you, mom. to give cheerfully and not to look at what we are lack of.

and this prayer is for you my dearest mom. terima kasih ibu!

winter breeze.

at this very moment, i wish i can have a walk by the beach and smell those fresh air. smell and smell them til all the worries buzz away. being a grown-up woman is not easy at all. i guess it's time for me to pack my running shoe and start running again. i'll miss this year KL marathon (as if as i've joined any before, LOL!). it was one of my new year resolution tho. too bad i have to keep it aside first.

oh by the way, i had a weird dream last night. eh no no! it was a scary dream and was not weird at all! it was a nightmare! i promise i will not (or at least i try not to) to fight or quarrel with anyone and not make up with them before i go to sleep. i'm so scared of having nightmares again, especially when it involves my loved ones. so shuuh you away nightmares! i hate you!

but wait a minute! they said nightmares are the best training ground for you to face your fear.. nah! i still don't want any of them. krukkruk.

a reason to stay.

if you don't like something change it;
if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
- Mary Engelbreit

second choice.

i usually write my post before i put a title for it. since i like to blog randomly with no knowledge to grab out of them. i just love blogging craps. and that is one of my tag - crap.
but this post is different. i named it first before i start pouring my thoughts in this column. so what's up with second choice?

have u ever feel like u r the second choice in someone's life? what if one day u realise that u r actually the second sperm on the list to be given the opportunity to penetrate the egg's wall? although it might sounds illogical but have u ever give it a thought? just what if you are not meant to be in this world? will u rejoice of your existence or grief about it? people often say be grateful for the life you were given because you only have one life to live on. but what if you never experience the joy that your heart long for and suffer with continuous disappointment? now there are a lot of 'what if'.

i wish i can stop my mind from thinking too much with those random thoughts. it's saddening sometimes when u start to let your mind wander off too far and it influences your heart. it aches deeply because the mind connects in miraculous way with the heart. i wish i have a stronger heart which can withstands the bad weather and the harsh environment. those corrosion agents which slowly eat my heart away.

ok now do you see why i always wrote my post before i put it a title? because in the end my post does not imply with its title so i have to tag this post as random and crap!

poof!

i'm too full to fall asleep. and there're loads in mind right now. but that's not why i am scribbling here. sigh.

i just want to be invisible. gone like poof!....

















































see, i was gone for a while just now. unseen. just gone.

childhood memories.

when i was a kid, i used to hang out with my friends and play all sort of games. masak-masak, tikam selipar, kahwin putera puteri (i always become the puteri because of my two moles on my shoulder which symbolizes prettiness), jual nasi lemak, dolls, patung kertas (i loved this the most because i can design fancy dress for the naked patung kertas), lari pecut 1 lorong, baseball kampung and the list goes on. when i grew a lil bigger, i started to play basketball and acted like a tomboy. short hair, short pants with big T, dark skin and walked like a samseng 'kiak'. seriously! i even talked like one with lots of dirty words came out of the mouth. but that was back then.

i felt in 'love' with a samseng 'kiak' and i was pretty sure he felt the same way too. we talked on phone (not hp of course!) for hours but somehow our relationship did not went well because one of his friend apparently had a deep crush on me. oh screwed him! so that was back in 1999, after 1 year anniversary of my 1st menstrual period which marked my teenage hood.

i loved the feelings of being a kid, the innocent faces we had once, and the clean heart which feels instant guilt when we commit something wrong. as we grew bigger, the conscience is no longer crystal clear. we compromise with all sorts of sin and wrong-doings. what a pity right?

and i miss kissing my dad's cheek whenever he bought me presents. i miss cuddling in his arm. i miss going for picnic by the beach and go fishing with my dad. now that i've become a wife, i wonder if dad still sees me as his lil' daughter. the one who is spoil too much because of his love. i'm so sorry if i somehow had disappointed you dad. i'll try my best to take good care of myself and my family. you have nothing to worry because you had done everything a father would do for his daughter. everything so you don't have to blame yourself for anything. you are the image of the fatherly side of God. you might find it hard to express your feelings sometimes but deep down you love us bestest and widest. i just know that so you don't have to say a thing...

new beginning.

it is indeed a new beginning. as for the past, i pray that i can forget you in a blink of eye. let me not dwell in it and suffer with the heart pain. i pray for the new family that we are creating, be with us, never ever leave us and continue to guide us. make us stay faithful in You just like how You've been faithful to us all the while. make us not to see only on the weaknesses of our partner but accept them as who they are right now.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the sea.

best friends are meant to be together for eternity.

the title says it all. even if i'm happily married, pls worry not, we will stay close to each other. you are my special mate after all because we don't need to sign any damn document just to get our commitment shown to the world. love and friendship are there between us. for eternity.

only for women.

past hurts. it really does. whenever i think of the past the heart beats even faster because of the sudden rush of anger and sadness. when you are both angry and sad, then it shall be called disappointment. people do lie to keep a relationship runs smoothly. to make sure they don't fight and stay in peace with each other. but whatever it is, we need to move forward and accept everything as past. because you can't change the past but u can surely do something to avoid past from repeating itself.

i have a friend whom betrayed me by going out with my bf. but it's in the past so i can't do much about it. i prayed for strength to forgive them, to forgive her especially. it takes time of course it does. when time flies, we will get numb and bored with the pain and slowly move on. and i'm so thankful to have other friends to hear me out. and i cant ask for more because friends and families are the greatest gift from God. the best gift is of course to have another life breathing in your womb. *(:*

i'm writing this to all the women out there. stay strong in whatever condition. because God had created us with tears which made us stronger emotionally and mentally. we might be seen weak physically, but remember gentlemen will not harm you physically. those who hurt women physically are simply 'si si'.

so Happy International Women's Day to all women!

self-explanatory

i hope this post is self explanatory.

no i'm not mad at anyone. i'm just bored. two weeks of holidays with no outcome. struggling with the laziness ain't easy at all. now i'm so used to the term janji melayu. i'm so sorry for not being punctual when time matters the most for most of us. there are so many regrets in me right now. i wish i could turn back time and correct my wrong doings. now i have to learn not to rush things up. 1 step at a time and not to put too much hope on actions which of course were done to give us results.

i'm working real hard here baby. now make sure you'll be good. not too much hope and pressure there right baby? (: