Kesederhanaan.

Kalau dulu-dulu, ada sebuah kereta saga di rumah sudah cukup berada. Kalau ada kereta 4-wheel itu kaya raya. Keluarga aku jenis makan gaji. Setiap bulan terima gaji kami ke Nguikee beli sehelai baju setiap seorang. Bapa aku ada kereta honda accord sebuah yang cat nya luntur jadi kami spray pakai spray biasa biar tidak tampak karatnya. Aku cukup minat melihat bapa aku mengerepair keretanya yg betul-betul banyak problem. Bapa aku jenis perfectionist. Syukur kerana adanya bapa aku kerja bertukang utk Kemahiran Hidup aku terjamin siap, terjamin kemas, terjamin berjaya!

Zaman sekarang semuanya lain. Ada dua kereta tapi makannya tidak cukup. Ada telefon pintar, tab, ipad tapi bulan-bulan masih minta belanja ahli keluarga. Katanya miskin, tapi tidak miskin; katanya kaya, tapi masih meminta-minta. Dulu ibu aku pesan belajar rajin-rajin supaya dapat kerja senang, aku jenis cukup takut dgn markah rendah (kiasu?) belajar sambil telan nescafe 3 in 1 agar mata kekal terbuka luas. Apabila stress hisap sebatang dua rokok buka mata besar-besar agar mata pedih terkena asap. Migrain, sakit kepala itu cukup biasa sampai terkena kencing berdarah kerana tangguh2 ke tandas kerana ingin fokus menghafal. Tiada yang senang dlm dunia ini. Even kalau dah jadi bos, orang bawah akan condemn cakap bos duduk ofis goyang kaki, email arah itu ini. Eh, apa ibumu tidak pesan benda yg sama? Mahu kerja senang, belajar rajin-rajin.

Aku ingin anak aku hidup dalam kesederhanaan. Tidak perlu permainan mewah, tidak perlu melancong bagai, tidak perlu baju branded kerana itu bukan impian aku. Aku cuma ingin hidup dalam kesederhanaan walaupun pada hakikatnya duit gaji kami suami isteri sudah cukup untuk bermewah. Tapi parasit kami liat, ditagih-tagih pusing-pusing kami juga yg kena. Alahai punyanya penat tengok cerita angkut bakul di laman sosial kononnya makan mewah mereka itu hasil titik peluh mereka semata-mata. Sampai kami terngidam ngidam. Nasib sudahku unfriend kalau tak buat perut lapar saja.

So, sekarang, boleh aku hantar resignation letter? Sigh. Aku cuma ingin bercucuk tanam sawi belakang rumah bersama anak-anak.

Confinement (part 2)

Remember when i talked about confinement? I believe every people or every race i would say will have different style of confinement. Chinese will have their hair not wash for a month, the Iban will have to sit beside fire all day, the Malay will need to bath everyday and so on. So what can we conclude from here? YES! Different people will have different style of confinement!

What I'm about to write here today is my dissatisfaction towards those who condemn others just because they have different style of confinement. Latest remark I got from my colleague was how ignorant I am in berpantang makan. Yes, I breastfeed. But breastfeeding doesn't mean you can't eat what you want to eat. Yes, I underwent cesarean operation. But my doctor didn't tell me that I should not have any seafood. Why did old folks warn us certain food was simply because different people might have different reaction toward certain food (read allergic). I'm not allergic to seafood so why must I stop myself eating them? Funny right?

Ahhh yes, I do not have the gut to yell at them upfront. Simply because yelling at them will show how immature I am. It was no use talking to them after all because every people confine in different way. Oh they do not even have kids yet!

I'm super mad!

Today, I am super duper mad. I feel like throwing tantrum everywhere to everyone. But I can't.  I just can't. I am a mother,  and a mother should know how to control her temper. A mother should be seen as a perfect person who would raise perfect kids to be a perfect person, no?

So what am I mad at? I'm mad at people. Those selfish people.Orang selalu ingat kerja laut seronok. Duit masyuk, rumah besar, kereta mewah, makan sedap, shopping sakan, dompet berisi. Mereka lupa pelaut turun ke laut dengan meletak nyawa mereka di hujung tanduk. What if something happen on the platform/ship? They have no where to run except down to the sea, kan? Dalam laut ada ikan besar, jerung, obor-obor, mungkin spongebob yang tak seberapa friendly kepada manusia. Tak payah cakaplah pasal letupan, minyak terpancut, kebakaran, gas bertoksik, heli rosak, serangan lanun, diculik lanun dsbnya. Understand the risk? Kelakar kan kalau orang cakap orang kerja offshore kaya banyak duit, boleh beli apa saja.

Thus, the madness.

Contented.

Today i feel so contented. Perhaps it is true when they say mixing with positive ppl build a positive you. I feel so lucky to get to know some positive ppl. It makes me want to improve myself, improve my family, and most importantly to improve my relationship with The Almighty.

Rain.

I really love it when it rains. Especially during this confinement period. When it rains, i feel less hot and i can sleep more soundly since the baby is enjoying the cold weather too. One thing i like the most when it rains is the smell of the road. I used to work at field before. Sometimes, it is enough just to smell the rain after a long hour working under the hot sun. It refreshes the mind, soul and body. And of course, if it rains, we can go back early and mengular. 

Can't wait to end this confinement. I want to be strong and healthy, because i believe a supermom can be produced!

Pokes!

It's been awhile since i last express myself here in this empty space bordered by the universe. Im trying to control my mind not to act more than the script wants me to. Old ppl often say the behaviour a child depending so much on how the mother behave when she's carrying the child in the womb. Thus make me a quiet, soft-spoken, cool, happy go lucky mother. But at times my tongue slipped and i talked nonsense which i later regret too much i wish nobody wants to talk to me so that tongue-slipping moment will never happen. The nonsense stuff is like oh we will get a 6month bonus because our area manager got profits from his sawit. (my area manager has sawit plantation as his side income, no i dont work in sawit industry - thus i labelled this stuff as nonsense). I dont want my child (a baby boy after scanning the tummy twice) to be such a (ermm is poyo the most suitable adjective in this case?) expressive person that he might hurt others' feelings through his words. Because words are sharper than the double edged sword. So dear random thoughts, pls dont come to my mind. I dont want my boy end up talking poyo with his friend. He might be funny, but no i just cant accept that. Bak kata laki aku, poyo macam mat sihat. Oh mat sihat is my father in law! Hahahah!

posted from Bloggeroid

cruel cruel world.

i'm so in the mood to write, i can literally see the ideas pouring out of my head. but too much of them spoil my mood. i just couldn't focus. the cruelty of the world is easily so made known nowadays. we have Youtube, Twitter, FB and what not. and today i forgot to stop myself from watching the cruel video of a mother hitting her 10-month old child. i don't want to expose myself to this kind of cruelty. i just don't want to know that there is such cruelty! but this world is cruel i just have to chalk it up. sad sad sad. the sadness can't be bear any longer i have to let the tears come out and wash away the splinter of the video on my cheek.


mama heart you sophie. love! (:

posted from Bloggeroid

I've made peace!

today, I would like to talk about grudge. I've been holding grudge against this person whom I shall not call a friend  because we never really become friends. I wont describe any longer about her because it would be very easy to guess. and I won't talk about what she had done to me which make me hated her so much because I've made the decision to forgive. what I want to talk about is holding this grudge and the impact to me.

the saying 'you'll grow old and sick when you hate someone' is very true. because anything that can trigger your memory about the person you hated so much will basically increase your blood pressure, then you become easily annoyed and angry. hence, when you are mad, your relationship with your partner will be jeopardized because you choose to quarrel with him to express your "dissatisfication".

how do I know? because this is what exactly I did. and I'm not happy at all with what I've done. whenever I had bad dreams with this person as one of the character in it I would woke up feeling moody and of course my husband yang kena tempias. I would forced him to tell me how much he love me because I feel so insecure. but it never succeed because I chose to doubt him instead of being convinced by him.

I know how hard it is to forgive someone when that someone wronged us. we are no saint to forgive so easy and move on. apatah lagi if you were betrayed by someone whom you thought will never ever betray you. ouch! but today, I choose to forgive and move on. because holding grudge is no easy job. and it brings no goodness at all! let bygones be bygones. we are all human so who's to judge them for their wrong-doings? so by forgiving I hope whenever something trigger my memory about this person I can smile and say to myself, I've forgiven this person and I'm happy now.

oh, when you believe you are beautiful and being loved by those whom you loved, this forgiving process will certainly can be done with no hassle at all. so let's us learn to forgive and let go all those grudge. to appreciate those who are around us instead of making them as punching bag.

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. - Harriet Nelson


A personal offense is like a scratch on a phonograph record. I couldn't move my thoughts beyond my pain. It kept repeating, as if I were stuck within its grooves. There was only one way to play beyond it. I had to forgive them, so my heart could take its form again. - Laurel Lee

boiling water.

these days I lost my temper so easily. even the sticky floor can trigger the rage. sigh. I guess I really need a break. or maybe a walk. I really miss running. because when I run, I feel relieve. I feel as if I still have the control over my body. to sacrifice your life for someone else's is not easy. it requires time, patient and most importantly, love. will you sacrifice your life for someone whom you not love? and I miss my me-time where I can read my book and not give a damn to anything else.

bob bob baby blue.

this is how it feels to work in an air-conditioned office. you feel so cold that the eyes choose to shut itself.





































my eyes are struggling right now. sigh. I really need to lie down and sleep.

heart break.

whenever a person treat you like you dont deserve any love, dumb him. why wait? why so faithful to those who never give you a thought? if insecurities strike you, move on. dont get too attach with those who cant promise you anything. who put himself above anyone else. who thinks he's so great he can treat others like rubbish.

right now, i feel like running. run away and never return. but responsibilities cant be taken for granted. and running away is no longer an option.

funny.

because collision which happen on a straight road is hilarious. it's unacceptable. how can it happen at the first place? but again, who ever can smell bad luck is god. sigh.

ambulance driver.

I wonder, how can ambulance drivers drive their ambulance steadily when there are people behind fighting for their lives? the sound of the siren is enough to make me panic.

surely, they are heroes too!

unpost entry.

there're so much to say but i guess right now silent is the best way to keep the heart numb. can't think of better way to ease the pain. so much pain, so much hatred, so much regret, so much tears that i became worried if the baby might feel the same feelings i'm having right now. i pray that you can become stronger than ur mom, it's okay if you want to cry as much as your mother did, but pls be stronger, in whatever circumstances know that God will always be with you to lead you the way. and the path lead by God will always be the calmness path. it might not be the easiest one but acknowledge that God will keep your heart calm and you definitely sail it through smoothly. with no regret, no hatred, but with joy and gladness.

okay now i talk like my dad. >.

security.

I admit that I'm a person who can easily feel insecure. anything that reminds me of the past can make me feel insecure. so much of insecurities that eventually jeopardize my relationship with my loved ones.

how not to feel insecure? simple, by reminding myself that we live not for the world but for God alone. everything will come to an end eventually and God has promised us heaven when everything ends. but is my faith enough to secure a place there in heaven? thinking about that make me feel insecure, again. sigh.. why so much of insecurities? so how not to feel insecure?

I miss driving at high speed. gugu. (x berkaitan langsung!)

seriously sleepy.

waking up early every weekdays is a challenge for me. now that the school has started I need to wake up even more early to avoid the frustrating jam.

Chinese new year is coming soon. can't wait to have a long sleep during the weekdays. thank God this year it falls on Monday and Tuesday! then we anak beranak can cuddle in bed together and enjoy our long weekend.

oh! Sophie has started to roll over! today i woke up to find her leg at the edge of the bed. I quickly put her back on her bed and place her booster beside her before feeding her. Watching her grinning in her sleep is so much delightful. I hope she enjoys growing up because I'm enjoying every moment of it. and it seems like yesterday that I saw her being lifted out from my tummy. how time flies kan?! hope it's not too late to wish you all a happy new year. I hope this year we can grow more mature physically, mentally and spiritually.

till we meet again in next entry okay! take care!

hagu hagu.

this is a post written by someone who may die of boredom.
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this is too much. sigh.
oh new year is coming soon. this year is indeed a blessed year. jadi ibu kepada sorg bayi perempuan yg sgt comel. i wont ask you to become as genius as Sheldon Cooper. all i want is for you to be obedient. to your parents, to those who are wiser (older of course!), and most importantly to God. mama has no idea what to write anymore. this boredom had literally robbed off my sanity.

laziness.

i have a lot to share. but im lazy and so not in mood for sharing. i wish u were here saying things that can soothe the soul. things that can make me sleep in peace atleast for tonight.

ohhh my long absence in this blog makes me so lazy to write. huhu. update you guys some other time ok! bye n night!!

september!

it's september already. mid sept! my fingers are swelling. so do my feet. apatah lg my perut la kan. even wearing low-cut panties make me feel uneasy. and those stretchmarks really make me feel ugly. but what Dr. Lee told me is so true. the 1st sacrifice (on my physical body) is those stretchmarks. more to come when it comes to labour process. tear and cuts. and my body might turn blue due to excessive pushing. * exaggerating of course!*

omg! the feelings are like cincau yogurt. indescribable.

ok sgt panasss. jom berendam puas2! (:

kelegaan.

i feel sudden relieve now i could inhaleeee then exhaleeeeeee and repeat it again n again.

p/s: 9 days before his birthday. (: