Rain.

I really love it when it rains. Especially during this confinement period. When it rains, i feel less hot and i can sleep more soundly since the baby is enjoying the cold weather too. One thing i like the most when it rains is the smell of the road. I used to work at field before. Sometimes, it is enough just to smell the rain after a long hour working under the hot sun. It refreshes the mind, soul and body. And of course, if it rains, we can go back early and mengular. 

Can't wait to end this confinement. I want to be strong and healthy, because i believe a supermom can be produced!

Health supplement.

I only managed to get B3 for my SPM Biology paper. I've struggled to the very end. My strategy of sleeping at 12 midnight and to wake up at 4a.m. for final revision had failed me after all. I even took the courage to swallow 2 packs of nescafe 3-in-1 to make the eyes stayed open. Little that i know lacking of sleep makes the brain less functional and what i've read few hours before the paper was not there in my memory registry. I went to the examination hall feeling so much tired than confident. During my uni life, i learned to take things more slowly. I put less stress on myself and try to manage my time wisely. But in uni, staying awake till late midnight is a trend. To hang out at mamak after hours of revision is a must. But i did not take any nescafe 3-in-1 to stay awake. When the eyes can't take it anymore, i'll go to bed and have some rest. But during lectures and tutorials, i tried to grab as much as possible so that when i revise, i'd spent less time understanding what i read. I was no bright student who score in every subject, i was an average student with average learning rate but was hardworking enough to make myself able to compete with others. I got dean's list award for seven consecutive semester. My final semester was a tough one. Met a crazy guy which i can't let go off up till this moment. Constantly went out for movies, dinner, supper, and what not. So it is true they say uni life is the best among all.

Oh back to the topic. Health supplement. Now, being a mother of two, health supplement is part of the meal. A working mother of two makes my schedule tighter, more laundry to be washed, more tummy to be fed, more needs to be met etc. I'm not saying that i depend on supplement to stay active, but they do help! They help me to reduce stress as well. How? Simply by giving me more energy. When you are less tired, you will have enough energy to attain to various need and request from those around you. Now this is important as mother because it is my job to take care of my loved ones; to make sure they have enough love and attention. I wont talk any science or chemistry or what not here, because it is not my field. Give me some time to study them, and i'll get back to you in future entry. I have 60 days minus 14 days to spend! Wheee.

worry.

mother worries a lot. she can worry about almost everything. from too noisy to too quiet. from the small stuff like alarm clock not ringing till the big stuff like kids' well-being in schools. so how does a mother cope with everything? Doing other thing while the mind is diverted to think of another thing?

these days I worried damn much. what if they fail to achieve their milestone and got left behind? what if they x manage to become what I want them to become? what if they refuse to become what I want them to become? what if what I've done so far is insufficient? what if I just fail miserably just because I lack the knowledge of becoming a good mother? what if I can't become a role model because I used to become who I used to be? what if they know too much already and I can't control what to be input into their mind? and what if  I simply not ready to become a mother?

I believe it's every mom wish to be a supermom. they can juggle everything with their two mighty hands and not sweat at all. they can go anywhere with their children and manage them well and not shouting at their children to behave in the store. they can bring the kids to the playground, cook dinner later and not feeling tire at all. they can go to bed as early as 12 midnight and wake up at 5 to prepare everything for the kids. off to work without feeling sleepy and come back and do the same routine all over again. weekends are full with activities to keep the kids occupy and house chores are never delayed. in short, they can do everything, taking care of everyone including themselves and never complain.

to mothers out there, don't you wish you can become like this? bold and strong and never complain! give me some time and i surely can become one! oh thank you deng for always being there w'pun kena kerepak, anok and diberik muka yg masam. heart!

Role model.

I'm that type of person who don't forget easily. especially when someone breaks my heart and my trust. they can wish me well with my life not knowing deep down the scar they left me with is beyond amendment. and I am that type of stubborn bitch who are willing to lose everything to win a thing. and the feeling of winning is like heaven slow to know what I've lose will soon make my heart broken, again. that's why forgiving someone seems to be so hard to be implemented in my daily life. I can talk about them 24/7 without realising by doing so I'm forcing my mind to keep on thinking about the pain instead of focusing on other things which can ease away the pain. Now, being a mother I want to be the best example for my child (or children coming soon!). instead of cursing when careless drivers who fail to put on their signal when making a turn, I want to be someone who think positive of them i.e. oh they must be like me who have baby shouting behind and somewhat forget to put on signal. I want to be a cool mother who don't complain much about daily life and just stay tough even when I'm literally drained off (this I must admit I deserve an F because I've complained so much, too much! uhuk!). I really salute my mom who is able to wake up early morning and be the last person to sleep to keep the house tidy and clean as possible. there is not once the plates were left overnight in the sink (unless the kutus malam come out cook supper for themselves). that is how strong and mighty is my mom. Going back to forgiving and forgetting, I really wanted that peace of mind where I can really really forgive and let go. sometimes deep down I 'curse' them not to have the happiness that they wanted to have since they had tried to take away mine. but this is no good and shame to me because I might just raise a kid who hold grudge against me, the parent, if somewhat I fail to be a good mother to them. oh this is so sad I must transform right away!! uh-oh! dear child/children, mama will never ever give up in becoming the best mom on earth. believe me and please, too, don't give up on me. love, Mama.

perfection.

nothing is perfect. and today the imperfection makes me cry. i just can't be perfect and i can't have that perfectness which i long for. why is it have to be that way? this is frustrating and hurtful and i can't stop crying. dear baby, pls be perfectly healthy. i've loved you. love, mama.

hooray!

because He has the power upon everything, who are we to go against Him? and life is never easy but His promise to always be with us shall be kept for eternity.

i never thought or imagine myself of being pregnant. because when i 'plan' my future, being pregnant never come across my mind. it has always been getting married and have kids without the 'pregnancy' stage. and as i slowly sailing through this insignicant stage of life, i came to realize how signigicant is this stage of being pregnant. having a baby in your tummy makes you feel like a powerful goddess, an emo who would cry almost because of everything, a weirdo who would suddenly sings lullaby and laugh or smile with no reason at all. sounds like a wonderful experience kan? but as your expected due date crawl right beside your arm, you cant help yourself thinking and worrying about the baby which will born out of you. will he be able to breathe on his own? will he be healthy enough to cry out his 1st cry ever? yeah i do worry much. that's the reason im blogging at this hour. an expectant mom should get enough rest and her sleep. but i just fail to convince myself that everything will be okay and its okay to go to sleep. oh i wish u were here because your breath calms me.

the new label - Baby.

of all the feelings i have right now, i choose sadness. i choose to let the tears roll down the cheek and the heart dwell in pain. maybe part of me feel relieve, and some of them are in unknown cause of disappointment. i'm not sure either.

be safe dear baby. i can't afford to lose you. not now, not in the future, not till forever. you will always be my baby and i'll love you so till the end of my days. can't wait to see you soon, watch you grow each day. now how can i let you get married and build your own masjid later? ): oh i love you...

creeping.

i don't feel like talking to anyone right now. i feel like running and let the wind touches my skin and take away my anxiety. but i can't run like i used to run before. just can't afford losing him/her at this moment. i've started to love and make him/her apart of me right now. (:


dear you,

i love u tenderly. more than anyone else right now and i would move the moon for you if i could. if you are going to read this one day, in whatever condition or state we are (we might just had an argument regarding God-knows-what topic, we might be so far away from each other since your dad n i might send you to boarding school and have you wash your own clothes etc.) pls remember, you will always be part of me, and you will always be my reason to cherish this life even more.

love,
mama xoxo.

mommy!

when people talk about mother, the first thing that came across my mind is love. because mother is synonym to love. and a mother can never be a mother without love. everything a mother does for her children is because of love. and that love came from God which remains forever despite anything.

being away for about 200km from my mom is saddening. i miss her every now and then. came back from work with no food serve on the table make things even worse. oh the tears just cant stop falling. i wonder if mom feels the same way too since she enjoys cooking for the food-craver me, kan?

oh mummy!! happy mother's day to you! may God bless you always and give you the best state of health because that's what you need the most right now. thank you for everything mummy. i wish i can be as strong as you are, be as big-hearted as you are, be as cheerful as you are, cook as expert as you are, and stay calm in every situation as you are. can't wait to see you soon! (:

pls stop this nonsense thought!

disappointed. being pregnant is not easy. wish everyone could understand that. or maybe they just refuse to understand. sigh. expectation kills after all.

thank God for my mother-in-law who cares so much about me and of course the baby too. let's pray everything will be okay and let this journey be a memorable one. happy mother's day in advance for all the mothers out there!! (: