Goodbye MH17.

22.08.14 - Malaysia berkabung.

Harta Dunia, Akhirat.
kalau mati itu diiringi sepanduk bagai, apa kita akan lari ke arahnya atau bersembunyi agar tidak didatangi?
kalau kita tahu cara kita mati, apa akan kita duduk dgn rokok di jari sambil mengenang nasib diri?
kalau mati itu pasti, kenapa kita masih di sini mengejar dunia tanpa henti?

dunia ini hanya sementara, buat kita kumpul pahala,
yg dikejar bukan duit, bukan harta,
tapi bekalan buat berjumpa,
dengan Dia, Sang Pencipta,
seluruh alam, seluruh semesta.

Allahu Rabbi, la sharika lah.

Keikhlasan.

Today is the 163th day I've put on hijab. Belum sempurna tapi cuba untuk sempurna. Masa awal-awal ada yang bertanya sejak bila berhijab, saya jawab "baru hari ke 23 (dgn nada yg sgt excited)." Dia jawab "Siap kira hari (dgn nada sinis)." Mula-mula terasa hati, tapi kalau terasa hati maksudnya manusia yg aku cuba pikat, bukan Allah, pencipta alam dan semesta. Kalau mudah sgt terasa hati maksudnya kita sombong dan tak ingat diri.

Benih baru nak bangkit, kena siram dan baja. Hati yang baru nak bangkit, kena disiram dengan apa? - Hlovate.

Ada juga yang tegur, belajar agama tak payah tinggi-tinggi, takut nanti bingung sendiri. Aku tersentap, mula-mula tak paham apa yg cuba disampaikan. Tapi aku cuba positif, barangkali dia risau aku sesat, takut aku taksub, takut nanti aku bawa anak-anak ke medan tempur.

Being a revert is not easy. Aku masih belajar, jadi yg terbaik yang saya mampu, yg wajib aku baiki agar sempurna, yg sunat aku cuba perbanyakkan dan istiqomah. Mati itu pasti. Tp kenapa kita masih terkejut apabila orang sekeliling kita pergi? Apa kita lupa mati itu bila-bila?

Masa awal-awal cuba hafal alif ba ta, selalu sgt nangis aku rasa ingin putus asa. Aku tak biasa tgk huruf-huruf hijaiyah, jadi aku tulis setiap huruf sampai penuh satu muka macam budak tadika, kalau kira umur aku rasanya baru pra-tadika kot! Tapi hakikatnya, umur ku sudah tua. Aku risau nanti aku sunyi duduk dalam liang lahad kerana tak pernah mengaji. Mulut tak erti berzikir kerana lidah kelu tak pernah dipraktikkan masa nyawa masih dikandung badan.

Kita hidup utk akhirat. Stp perkara kita buat ingat akhirat. Takutnya aku pada azab kubur pada api neraka. Takutnya aku kalau aku tidak sempat berubah, risau neraca berat ke dosa. Pahalanya langsung tiada nilai.

Untungnya mereka yg Islam dari lahir. Pahala mereka sudah semestinya banyak. Tidak perlu risau bila melambatkan solat. Tidak perlu risau sunyi dalam liang lahad, kerana masa kecik-kecik lagi sudah banyak mengaji.

Ikhlas tuh bukan kita yang ukur, tu biar Allah yang tentukan. Jangan sampai kita tinggalkan amal ibadat sebab tak nak riak dgn manusia, kerana tu la tanda kita riak dengan Allah. - Hlovate.

Borak-borak.

Setiap kali balik kampung suami aku, aku tak erti untuk borak-borak. Entah. I find that there's nothing I could share. Or maybe I just find that there's nothing so important that I need to share or I have to share. I prefer to listen and listen and sometimes slowly ignore.

Manusia punya cara pemikiran yang cukup berbeza. Pelbagai perspektif yang kadang-kadang bercanggah, pendapat yang kadang-kadang sukar dikomprehen, ulasan yang kadang-kadang menjunam ke laut, simply because we grow up in different environment with different teaching and understanding.

I grew up in an environment where woman should do every housework, and man who helps with housework itulah dambaan wanita. Anak-anak adalah tanggungjawab ibu and every request for anything, money, toy, keluar jalan-jalan must be made through the mother, and the mother will let the father knows and seek for approval. So when I told my mom that I was sick, her first question was "Can you take care of the kids?" So I say "Husband is here, so yes, he could take care of the kids." My mother sounded hesitant. The only time I remembered my dad was in the kitchen cooking was when my mother was in the hospital.

Aku harus bilang aku ini isteri yang garang tapi cepat mengalah. Bebelan aku cukup banyak depan suami tapi di hadapan orang ramai aku cuma seorang ibu yang sibuk mengejar anak-anak ke depan, ke dapur, ke tandas etc. Tapi syukur suami aku boleh disuruh. Setiap kali berpantang dia sudi tolong scrubkan dinding toilet. So sudah beranak dua ini, sudah dua kali dia tolong bersihkan toilet. Bravo, husband!

Marriage does not lay on straight horizon. There are ups and downs with kids running around the curve, for every twist and turn, you know deeply the love grow stronger, the foundation grows firmer, and the bond is unbreakable.

i swear!

I seldom swear. For me, swearing is for those who is difficult to earn someone else's trust. It might because of their well-known breaking-promises habit, or maybe because the counter part is having issues to see promises being fulfilled.

And today, i swore..

Why do i swear? Simply because I want my counter part to know how serious I am in making that particular promise. I swear because it can help putting pressure on me to keep the promise I've made. I swear because I couldn't find other word to let her know how committed I am in keeping my promise. But I wonder if she could understand anything I've just said to her. I wonder after a day or two she could still remember what I told her when we were in the car heading to her nursery school.

I still think swearing is not good. When you promise, fulfill them. If you can't fulfill them, then don't promise. I used to be taught on how a person could use the word "Insya-Allah" as in exchange with the word "See 1st la". Somehow they become synonym that I came to believe "insya-Allah" simply means "I'll think about it". So whenever a person said "insya-Allah" , my hope would just flew away...

So, this is why I swore.

Why vitamin B-complex?

During this confinement period, i found vitamin B-complex is very important to ensure my body is strong enough to take care of lil' Khaleef and his big sister, Sophie. Thank God for an understanding husband who would cook lunch and dinner for me so that i can have enough rest during the day. Okay back to our topic, why vitamin B-complex?

Vitamin B-complex contains all the B vitamins;  B1 (thiamine), B2 (riboflavin), B3 (niacin), B5 (pantothenic acid), B6, B7 (biotin), B9 (folate) and B12. These B vitamins help to produce energy and form red blood cells. Red blood cells main function is to deliver oxygen to the body tissues. Deficiency in B vitamins can cause tiredness, anemia, loss of appetite, depression, abdominal pain, muscle cramps, hair loss, and eczema. Taking certain B vitamins can help prevent kidney disease, migraines (i suffered with this almost everyday during my second pregnancy), heart disease, breast cancer etc. 

Currently i'm consuming Shaklee B-complex with folic acid. Folic acid is essential in helping the formation of the red blood cells in our body. It can help to prevent neural tube defects for women who are planning pregnancy before conception. It contains no artificial flavours, sweeteners, colours, and no preservatives added. Natural it is! Try toconsume them, with God's willing, you will certainly feel and see the difference!

today.

and at this moment of distress, I have no one but You alone to seek help and guidance.
make me stronger than yesterday, dear Lord. make me stronger.

give me oil in my lamp.

sad. sad. sad. spending too much time reading news makes me sad. incredibly sad. really, what's wrong with the world, mama? where have we gone wrong? how can those incidents ever happen? girl raped by their own father and brothers? mom performed blowjob to her own son? a 17-year-old boy killed a family of 4? like how come? why so cruel? kenak sampei glak hati molah macam ya? T_T

good and bad are totally messed up. if the society accepts gay marriage does that make it right? because right and wrong are two different things. for right is white, and wrong is black. there's no grey area.you can't be in the between. it's unacceptable. let them be, as long as they are happy then it's okay. what does okay means? okay means it's okay to commit sin/crime as long as the doer is happy? this is so wrong. 

consciences no longer work. desire has totally overpowered them. sad?

ambulance driver.

I wonder, how can ambulance drivers drive their ambulance steadily when there are people behind fighting for their lives? the sound of the siren is enough to make me panic.

surely, they are heroes too!

emotional post of the day.

There is this one article written by Obefiend which struck deep into my heart. it opens up my eyes as a converted muslim and realise those who condemned me of my decision are simply no good. there are some of my relatives who talk bad about me (my ever-understanding mom told me so) yang kononnya they are sad and my decision to live independently with my own family somehow is a step to leave or avoid my parents due to my current religion. gila batu api kan? but thank God my mom knows best and it was her advice that we move out so that we can learn not to depend on them and try to manage our own household. so to those who are judging me, mind you if you could spare some time and think if you are conveying good examples to those whom you judge as 'derhaka' because they choose to live separately from their parents. mcm la ko pun stay ngan parents ko selepas ko kawen nak? even the bible pun cakap a man will leave their parents and hold fast to his wife and become one flesh. it was mentioned twice in the book of Matthew and Ephesians! oh if your are still staying with your parents even after marriage, then does it make you more religious by talking bad about those who had converted? trying to api2 kan my mom yg kononnya i move out because i no longer want to be with them? force me to eat those barbequed pork so that my husband's 'spell' dont work on me? oh is that what your religion had taught you so? no im not talking bad about any religion pls dont get me wrong ok. im talking about you who try to kill my good relationship with my parents just because i had converted.
tettt. i guess i have gone too far.
boo yaahh.
enough of this emosi. i better read my book because thats one of the way every piece of me stay connected.

butterflies.

there're things in life we wish we could change and forget like it never happen. and there're things that we wish we could share and not being judged. right now, i'm pouring it all out to my lil' baby inside my womb. i wonder if he/she understands. i strongly believe he/she cries whenever i cry. so right now, he/she is crying, just like me. but the butterflies in the tummy will always cheer me up. no matter what. so let's stop crying and say hi to Syaqiq Jr.! (:

and his name is sheldon cooper.

last night was a chaos. and the dream was even worse!

i dream of giving birth to a baby weighing 4.88 kg. tall n thin and can talk! and his face was exactly like...

too much of The Big Bang Theory marathon i guess.

Dear God, give me strength to overcome anything and everything. i won't give up so easily.
i can do everything through You who gives me strength.

creeping.

i don't feel like talking to anyone right now. i feel like running and let the wind touches my skin and take away my anxiety. but i can't run like i used to run before. just can't afford losing him/her at this moment. i've started to love and make him/her apart of me right now. (:


dear you,

i love u tenderly. more than anyone else right now and i would move the moon for you if i could. if you are going to read this one day, in whatever condition or state we are (we might just had an argument regarding God-knows-what topic, we might be so far away from each other since your dad n i might send you to boarding school and have you wash your own clothes etc.) pls remember, you will always be part of me, and you will always be my reason to cherish this life even more.

love,
mama xoxo.

forte.

i was walking out from the instrument workshop with my boss after a cold and result-less meeting yesterday when suddenly a man whom i should describe as old and selekeh based on my first glance came toward us and offered his hand for a shake.

i just smiled and assumed he's just another friend of my boss. as they talked then i saw his name tag. it was my SV for goodness sake and i did not realize it was him ! he became so thin and his skin is burnt due to the chemo he has to go through due to his cancer. and during that instance tears rolled down by my cheek.

he seemed so strong as if as nothing had ever happened to him. he tried to talk with all might as the cancer had literally taken away the loud voice he used to have. all i can said to him was: pak cik! mek x pasan ya kitak tek eh. sowie~. and he smiled back. i believe no one will ever recognize it's him if he ever pass by them. but he is still the same man who smile with his crooked teeth and fight real hard to live longer.

i pray for courage and strength to always be in you throughout this period of hardship. God's will, you will able to beat the cancer. God's will, everything will be painless for you. God's will, everything will be fine and you will have nothing to be worried about. God's will, you will gain back the pounds that you had lost. and by God's will, you will stay healthy and happy beside your loved ones.

buttons.

i wish i have the fast-forward and reverse buttons in life. whenever i'm uncertain with my decisions i could simply press the fast-forward button and examine the results. if i'm not satisfied with it then this is where the reverse button plays it role. urgh how i wish~ ):

why do i care so much about life ? can i just live my life and not give a damn about things that can be a burden to the brain system ? i hate the past. a lot it can kill the my human senses. i wish i can have my reverse button right now and change the path the way it should be. experience ain't teaching me anything because i will never have enough of it. loving someone who refuse to be loved is a waste of time because they will never understand the feelings of being loved n loved.

p/s: dear you, i'm so sorry for everything. for everything that we've been through, the love you've shared, the continuous care, for always being there. i really do appreciate them. please do take care.

voila !

i think it's clear to me. what i want out of this effing life !

but wait. i don't think i can make it. because there's so many things i want in my life and they're contradicting each other. oh my !

now tell me what do i want out of this life ? zzz.