Kalimah Syahadah.

Browsing through old photos make me realize how far I've came, how much I've changed, how much I've grew to someone I never thought I would become.

Kalimah Syahadah.
I must say this was the point where I never thought I would face. Grew up in a Christian family, a frequent church-goer (although in uni I skipped church so frequently just because, you cannot give excuses for not attending church, blergh.), I've dreamed sailing with big ship to reach out to people out there sharing the good news, but here I am, reciting dua kalimah syahadah because I never thought it would flow to the mouth so naturally, I never thought I would felt so comfortable reciting them. When I first met Ustaz Abdul Latif, my best friend's father, who is so kind and treated me like his own daughter, the first thing he taught me was dua kalimah syahadah. He wrote them on a piece of paper and recites them again and again. They sounded so familiar, they sounded so easy, but when I tried to recite them my heart trembled and I cried. At that point, I wasn't sure if I should proceed with my decision to embrace Islam or should I just went on with the registration in order to marry the love of my life. Eventually I hardened my heart and went on with the registration forgetting that Allah itu maha mengetahui. Who am I cheating? Who am I hiding what's deep down in my heart?

So I went on with my life, I went to church once or twice, never perform my solat (alasan nya sebab tidak hafal al-fatihah). I'm not going to blame anyone in this, because it was my responsibility to seek for knowledge. JAIS called me once or twice, asking me if I would be available Saudara Baru classes, but I gave seribu satu alasan. Sobs. How could I be so ignorant?

After giving birth to my first child, I was more open in learning about Islam, I memorize al-fatihah and learn to perform solat. It wasn't perfect; I never tried to make it perfect after all. I perform prayers when I'm in deep trouble, I fast like other muslim but did not perform solat. Jika solatnya tak sempurna, apa ibadah lain akan sempurna? So all these years, my good deeds that I thought would save me from hell were actually tak sempurna.

When I had my second baby, my life was so much of chaos. I stressed out so easily, frequent migraine attack sometimes I thought I might lose my mind and go crazy. I was hot-tempered, small things can easily annoy the hell out of me. Until one day, I broke down and cried.

I remembered the day when my mom found out I was smoking. I was in Form 3, was about to sit for trial PMR in a day or two. I was looking for my pack of cigarette but failed. It was nowhere to be found! After some intense lecture by my mom, I went to the room and hid under the bed and sobbed. I cried with full of regret.

So that day, I did the same thing. Dengan badan yang besar, mengensot bawah katil and I sobbed and reflect. Where did I do wrong? What was I lacking? Why was everything so beyond my control? I'm trying to be the best mother, to be the best wife, to be the best daughter, but why everything was going against me? Jawapannya cukup mudah, jika solatnya tak sempurna, ibadah lain pun tak akan sempurna. After hiding under the bed, I hid in the closet sampai runtuh almari. Then I realized, I'm fat, I did not take care of myself. If I could not take care of myself, then how could I take care of my loved ones? So I walked out the closet, mandi segala mandi, and perform my very first solat yang niatnya lillahi ta'ala! Bukan untuk saja-saja cukup syarat jadi muslim, bukan untuk saja-saja kerana risau anak tak pernah tgk orang solat, bukan untuk stretching tulang belakang, tapi lillahi ta'ala!

The five pillars of Islam:
1) Shahadah
2) Salat
3) Zakat
4) Sawm (fasting in the month of Ramadan)
5) Hajj

Of all the five pillars, cuma solat sahaja ibadat badan yang tidak boleh diganti oleh orang lain. Nanti jika kamu sudah meninggal, tiada siapa yang boleh bayar hutang solatmu.

My life is still a chaos. Dengan anak-anak yang kadang-kadang menguji kesabaran tapi hati ini tenang, hati ini tahu jalan keluar, hidup dan matiku kerana Allah.


Jgn dilihat siapa yang berkata-kata. Ambil yang jernih, buang yang keruh. I'm not going to please anyone here, except Him.