ring ring!

i wish i can have 48 hours per day. or maybe less hour of working. instead of the regular 8 hours per day why not we, the mother especially, only need to work for 4 hours. if there is urgent matter we can simply settle them from home instead of going to the office. how fun is that?

oh btw, it was the 24th 28 yesterday and i got a ring (again). =D well women love jewellery, don't we?


sigh. i miss my baby. today she woke up at 5 in the morning and gave me a toothless smile. and a smelly pampers. poo poo liaw.

emotional post of the day.

There is this one article written by Obefiend which struck deep into my heart. it opens up my eyes as a converted muslim and realise those who condemned me of my decision are simply no good. there are some of my relatives who talk bad about me (my ever-understanding mom told me so) yang kononnya they are sad and my decision to live independently with my own family somehow is a step to leave or avoid my parents due to my current religion. gila batu api kan? but thank God my mom knows best and it was her advice that we move out so that we can learn not to depend on them and try to manage our own household. so to those who are judging me, mind you if you could spare some time and think if you are conveying good examples to those whom you judge as 'derhaka' because they choose to live separately from their parents. mcm la ko pun stay ngan parents ko selepas ko kawen nak? even the bible pun cakap a man will leave their parents and hold fast to his wife and become one flesh. it was mentioned twice in the book of Matthew and Ephesians! oh if your are still staying with your parents even after marriage, then does it make you more religious by talking bad about those who had converted? trying to api2 kan my mom yg kononnya i move out because i no longer want to be with them? force me to eat those barbequed pork so that my husband's 'spell' dont work on me? oh is that what your religion had taught you so? no im not talking bad about any religion pls dont get me wrong ok. im talking about you who try to kill my good relationship with my parents just because i had converted.
tettt. i guess i have gone too far.
boo yaahh.
enough of this emosi. i better read my book because thats one of the way every piece of me stay connected.

hagu hagu.

this is a post written by someone who may die of boredom.
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this is too much. sigh.
oh new year is coming soon. this year is indeed a blessed year. jadi ibu kepada sorg bayi perempuan yg sgt comel. i wont ask you to become as genius as Sheldon Cooper. all i want is for you to be obedient. to your parents, to those who are wiser (older of course!), and most importantly to God. mama has no idea what to write anymore. this boredom had literally robbed off my sanity.

cinta hatiku.

ini lah kesayangan hatiku. love!

hooray!

because He has the power upon everything, who are we to go against Him? and life is never easy but His promise to always be with us shall be kept for eternity.

i never thought or imagine myself of being pregnant. because when i 'plan' my future, being pregnant never come across my mind. it has always been getting married and have kids without the 'pregnancy' stage. and as i slowly sailing through this insignicant stage of life, i came to realize how signigicant is this stage of being pregnant. having a baby in your tummy makes you feel like a powerful goddess, an emo who would cry almost because of everything, a weirdo who would suddenly sings lullaby and laugh or smile with no reason at all. sounds like a wonderful experience kan? but as your expected due date crawl right beside your arm, you cant help yourself thinking and worrying about the baby which will born out of you. will he be able to breathe on his own? will he be healthy enough to cry out his 1st cry ever? yeah i do worry much. that's the reason im blogging at this hour. an expectant mom should get enough rest and her sleep. but i just fail to convince myself that everything will be okay and its okay to go to sleep. oh i wish u were here because your breath calms me.

laziness.

i have a lot to share. but im lazy and so not in mood for sharing. i wish u were here saying things that can soothe the soul. things that can make me sleep in peace atleast for tonight.

ohhh my long absence in this blog makes me so lazy to write. huhu. update you guys some other time ok! bye n night!!

september!

it's september already. mid sept! my fingers are swelling. so do my feet. apatah lg my perut la kan. even wearing low-cut panties make me feel uneasy. and those stretchmarks really make me feel ugly. but what Dr. Lee told me is so true. the 1st sacrifice (on my physical body) is those stretchmarks. more to come when it comes to labour process. tear and cuts. and my body might turn blue due to excessive pushing. * exaggerating of course!*

omg! the feelings are like cincau yogurt. indescribable.

ok sgt panasss. jom berendam puas2! (:

butterflies.

there're things in life we wish we could change and forget like it never happen. and there're things that we wish we could share and not being judged. right now, i'm pouring it all out to my lil' baby inside my womb. i wonder if he/she understands. i strongly believe he/she cries whenever i cry. so right now, he/she is crying, just like me. but the butterflies in the tummy will always cheer me up. no matter what. so let's stop crying and say hi to Syaqiq Jr.! (:

and his name is sheldon cooper.

last night was a chaos. and the dream was even worse!

i dream of giving birth to a baby weighing 4.88 kg. tall n thin and can talk! and his face was exactly like...

too much of The Big Bang Theory marathon i guess.

Dear God, give me strength to overcome anything and everything. i won't give up so easily.
i can do everything through You who gives me strength.

windmill.

the movements are entertaining. so entertaining you would laugh even when you are watching 1 litre of tears. and she's so lovable i will never ever let her go.

the chief of heroes.

on this special day, this special post is dedicated to my adorable daddy.

during my Sunday School year, we were taught how to make cards for our dad for father's day. i remembered there was once when our Sunday School teacher taught us the meaning of adorable so that we can write it in our cards. She told my dad is adorable. so i should write "to my adorable daddy, happy father's day". however at that age my adjectives were limited between ugly and pretty. never had i came across with the word adorable. then the teacher explained to me "well your dad is not handsome, but he's not ugly either, so he's adorable! " so that's how i learnt the meaning of adorable. (:

but today is not father's day. it's my dad's birthday. i couldn't thank him more for giving me everything that i had achieved today. his contribution is sky-high and can never be repaid. and today, he gave me this special verse which i will never ever forget.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

i couldn't continue writing, the tears just can't stop flowing. i will always be your lil girl, dad. and i love u. u know i do.
muzium sarawak, kuching

forever.

i've been drafting few posts lately but decided not to post them just because. no reason. my mind is empty, so do my post. there are all empty.

i hope this song soothes your soul. like what it currently does to mine. now lets breathe in and exhale. shuuh u anxiety. shuuh u negative thoughts. i just want to be loved. ):

the new label - Baby.

of all the feelings i have right now, i choose sadness. i choose to let the tears roll down the cheek and the heart dwell in pain. maybe part of me feel relieve, and some of them are in unknown cause of disappointment. i'm not sure either.

be safe dear baby. i can't afford to lose you. not now, not in the future, not till forever. you will always be my baby and i'll love you so till the end of my days. can't wait to see you soon, watch you grow each day. now how can i let you get married and build your own masjid later? ): oh i love you...

scale.

i'm gaining weight. i know it's normal to gain weight especially when you are pregnant. and being fat at certain area makes you look even hotter! agree not? :p but looking at the scale scares me. when it hits 50ish kg i feel choke. and when it strikes 60ish kg i barely breathe. baby, when you are out for good, you are going to bring me for intense work-out. oh i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you.

oh i still can't forget the feelings of being disappointed by my friend. T_T i really had tried to move on and forget about what had happened. sigh! of course i still care for you. hope you are doing great out there. hope that you don't cry yourself to sleep and not having terrible break-out when you are sad.

cloud nine.

i wish i can have everything that i wished for. who wouldn't want that aite?
right now, at this very moment, i wish i can fly up in the sky, and have the clouds all around me.

creeping.

i don't feel like talking to anyone right now. i feel like running and let the wind touches my skin and take away my anxiety. but i can't run like i used to run before. just can't afford losing him/her at this moment. i've started to love and make him/her apart of me right now. (:


dear you,

i love u tenderly. more than anyone else right now and i would move the moon for you if i could. if you are going to read this one day, in whatever condition or state we are (we might just had an argument regarding God-knows-what topic, we might be so far away from each other since your dad n i might send you to boarding school and have you wash your own clothes etc.) pls remember, you will always be part of me, and you will always be my reason to cherish this life even more.

love,
mama xoxo.

rain.

i love watching rain drops on the leaves when it rains. it makes me realize no matter how high we climb, gravity will still be there sucking us down. no, i'm not saying this negatively. but it's good not be too comfortable with where you are standing right? just a self-reminder by the way.

tonight i'll be alone. not that i'm not used to be alone, but tonight i'm so going to be alone.

p/s: wish u were here.

mommy!

when people talk about mother, the first thing that came across my mind is love. because mother is synonym to love. and a mother can never be a mother without love. everything a mother does for her children is because of love. and that love came from God which remains forever despite anything.

being away for about 200km from my mom is saddening. i miss her every now and then. came back from work with no food serve on the table make things even worse. oh the tears just cant stop falling. i wonder if mom feels the same way too since she enjoys cooking for the food-craver me, kan?

oh mummy!! happy mother's day to you! may God bless you always and give you the best state of health because that's what you need the most right now. thank you for everything mummy. i wish i can be as strong as you are, be as big-hearted as you are, be as cheerful as you are, cook as expert as you are, and stay calm in every situation as you are. can't wait to see you soon! (:

what are words?

special song sang by Chris Medina for his special someone. love and faith create miracles.

HB!

khas utk suami kesayangan kekasih hati bakal daddy yg sungguh disayangi.


selamat hari lahir! may your days be full with happiness. moga dipanjangkan umur and given the best state of health. prosper not only in $ tp iman jugak. hoho.
ok i won't crap any further dah.


oh2 you'll be the best dad ever! (:


love xoxo,
mama n bby.

pls stop this nonsense thought!

disappointed. being pregnant is not easy. wish everyone could understand that. or maybe they just refuse to understand. sigh. expectation kills after all.

thank God for my mother-in-law who cares so much about me and of course the baby too. let's pray everything will be okay and let this journey be a memorable one. happy mother's day in advance for all the mothers out there!! (:

oh baby, baby oh!~

i wish i can share this happiness to the whole world. well, i am sharing it here kan? (: i feel so happy that my hand can dance along the tapping sound of the keyboard and thus the continuous typo that i have to backspace and retype again n again. but hye yo! i'm so happy right now!!

kelegaan.

i feel sudden relieve now i could inhaleeee then exhaleeeeeee and repeat it again n again.

p/s: 9 days before his birthday. (:

who do you think you are?

not im not mad at all. it's a verse in a song titled jar of hearts. so whenever someone's making fun of you, ask them who do you think you are?

the heart belongs to you. only you. take good care of it. never ever let shitty things spoilt your mood. do anything and everything which can enlighten the heart. give it some therapy by reading God's word. because we human does not live by bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.

i feel better now. because You are here with me. in me. and i couldn't ask for more. (:

good night peeps! til then take care.

upin ipin!

my lil' bro adores upin & ipin so much. and he has quite a big cds collection of upin & ipin. he could play them again and again and never feel bored laughing at the same joke. betul betul betul! ^_^

i miss being the younger me. really really do.

mighty mom.

this entry is especially made for my mom.

no word can best describe you. you are altogther beautiful, funny, cheerful, exuberant, responsible, loving, strong, fair, aggressive, sweet and sour at the same times, annoying sometimes, just, cool, grumpy and clumsy.. and the list goes on.




ibu lah paling mulia! because of that, i love u.

tears.

suddenly the heart is concealed with sorrow. the tears just can't stop falling. sigh. too much pressure i guess. i need books. and of course prayers. off for asar. bye!

empty.

this is a random post.

have you guys ever imagine a place which is so dirty where nobody would ever want to live in it? with lots of cockroaches, rats, flies, snakes and it stinks that you could hardly breathe? now have you guys ever imagine how does hell look like? with the high temperature which can burn through your skin into your bone and you can't pray for the death angel to took away your life because you are ALREADY dead! and you have to suffer every bits and pieces of the torture. scary right?

now tell me how can we avoid being placed in hell? is being good and kind to other people can save us from living in that torturous place? is it by performing 5 times prayer per day or attending weekly mass can guarantee us that we will be so far away from that ugly place? tepuk dada tanya selera. duduk tepi longkang and give it a thought.

magic.

i love watching grey's anatomy. although i have no knowledge at all in anatomy. but i love the story line. and there was this 1 particular episode from season 6 where a premature baby was born and almost lost her life. the doctor pulled out the life support system as they thought the baby will never make it. but surprisingly she did. alex took her and embraced her by putting her close to his heart. the baby's heart beat gradually picked up and finally she could breathe normally. see how a baby is link to another person to survive? a baby inside the womb enjoys the sound of the empty stomach of her mom. she has her mom's heart beat as lullaby. her mom heart beat would tell her everything will be fine and she has nothing to be worried about. they are fragile creature who recover fast and survive worst. sometimes medicine could not heal every illness. but human touch does. and at times it's not because of someone's character which make him strong but his faith does and the word of God strengthen him.

so whenever you feel weak and helpless, remember there is someone who will never abandon you.
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
have a lil' faith and never ever lose hope!

sleepless night.

bad dreams, bad dreams go away,
good dreams, good dreams here to stay.

bad dreams, bad dreams go away,
good dreams, good dreams here to stay.

bad dreams, bad dreams go away,
good dreams, good dreams here to stay.

my dad.

i'm waiting for dad to fetch me back at this moment. it feels like old days when i used to wait for dad outside of the MLNG gate alone with my hp. yeah sometimes, there were friends around to accompany me. there was once when i'd waited for my dad like crazy 1 hour. when he reached the gate i was mad like a cow. then i asked him if i could drive cause i seriously tired of sitting doing nothing. i didn't own any fancy gadget like ipod touch which can keep me accompanied that time. n i was too shy to listen to my ipod nano like i was some kind of cool 'guy' from the block. my dad of course had no other option and there he went to the passenger side and fasten on his belt.
i was mad that time. really really mad. and i drove like 140km/h (that was considered 'high-speed' for me as i was still having my P license). my dad kept his mouth shut and didn't even dare to ask me to slow down the car. with that speed i was driving, my heart grew hotter and when it reached a junction the car literally skidded and whoop! it was slanting like about 25 degrees off the ground. so my dad was like whoa! can you please slow this damn car, i am an old man you know! my heart laughed in mild satisfaction.
i guess dad's hot blood is in me. after all i grew up a lil bit like him, the eyes, the ears, the mouth and mini bone structure we both have. and deep inside his heart, i know i am the girl he cares and loves so much.
how can i be sure of that? i am dad's lil girl, so how do i not know? *(:*

mental.

there are things in the past which we long for. those caress touch and soul-soothing words. those empty mind we have when the school break has started. the joy we felt when the clock striked at 5 and friends were waiting outside of the house to play together. but things started to change as we grew older, the mind starts to search for things to worry about and it keeps telling the soul not to be too fragile. why is it so? because as we grow older, we will start to realise how small crack can lead to a disaster. the mind is strong enough to handle those nonsenses but not the soul. the soul will cry out for mercy. it aches and constantly gets hurt by almost everything. even if you try to hide it and cover it up by wearing barney's jumpsuit - it's like hye! look at me i am so damn happy that my body turns purple and i can't stop singing!

to you, have some self-pity and stop ruining your future just because you are too lazy to care much about it.

doesn't make sense kn? but who cares anyway?

yeah u suck big time!

ok rimas. sangat sangat i don't even know why. i need fresh air.

happy birthday, mom!

i purposely set the post date and time for this entry. just to make it special for that someone special. it's my mother, Ms Lahung Jok and she's 47 this year! this year is certainly a special year for her as she had got the title 'grandma' or in kayan 'pui doh' when my sis-in-law gave her a beautiful lil' granddaughter. we are all amazed by the beauty of this special lil' baby. her specialty in putting her mouth in many kind of shape bring lots of laughter and joy to the house. and my mom adores the baby the most. another one coming soon i pray. insya allah! (:

for you, mom. let me pray in bm ya!

aku doakan untuk kesihatan mu, agar kamu sentiasa sihat tubuh badan dan senyuman mu akan selalu terukir melihat setiap ahli keluarga mu berkumpul sekeliling mu. dan apabila kami di dalam fikiran mu juga.
aku doakan untuk kesenangan hidup mu, di dunia dan juga di akhirat. semoga Tuhan bersama mu sentiasa kerna kamu la ibu yg paling mulia. yang suda berkorban segala-gala nya untuk kami. all the white lies you had to say to cover for us, biar kami yg tanggung semua nya kerna kamu sesungguhnya sudah berkorban hidup mu untuk kegembiraan kami.
aku doakan agar kamu peroleh kegembiraan di dalam kami. aku minta maaf kerana aku telah banyak membuat kamu menangis, bersedih dan bersusah hati. i'll become a better person for you, mom. i will never quit to improve myself. trust me!
aku doakan your heart will stay young as always. cheerful as always because that's what makes you my mom. despite all the problems, you are always positive and laugh like no one hears you. i'm so proud to have you as my mother!
i pray that i can always have a big heart like you, mom. to give cheerfully and not to look at what we are lack of.

and this prayer is for you my dearest mom. terima kasih ibu!

winter breeze.

at this very moment, i wish i can have a walk by the beach and smell those fresh air. smell and smell them til all the worries buzz away. being a grown-up woman is not easy at all. i guess it's time for me to pack my running shoe and start running again. i'll miss this year KL marathon (as if as i've joined any before, LOL!). it was one of my new year resolution tho. too bad i have to keep it aside first.

oh by the way, i had a weird dream last night. eh no no! it was a scary dream and was not weird at all! it was a nightmare! i promise i will not (or at least i try not to) to fight or quarrel with anyone and not make up with them before i go to sleep. i'm so scared of having nightmares again, especially when it involves my loved ones. so shuuh you away nightmares! i hate you!

but wait a minute! they said nightmares are the best training ground for you to face your fear.. nah! i still don't want any of them. krukkruk.

a reason to stay.

if you don't like something change it;
if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
- Mary Engelbreit

second choice.

i usually write my post before i put a title for it. since i like to blog randomly with no knowledge to grab out of them. i just love blogging craps. and that is one of my tag - crap.
but this post is different. i named it first before i start pouring my thoughts in this column. so what's up with second choice?

have u ever feel like u r the second choice in someone's life? what if one day u realise that u r actually the second sperm on the list to be given the opportunity to penetrate the egg's wall? although it might sounds illogical but have u ever give it a thought? just what if you are not meant to be in this world? will u rejoice of your existence or grief about it? people often say be grateful for the life you were given because you only have one life to live on. but what if you never experience the joy that your heart long for and suffer with continuous disappointment? now there are a lot of 'what if'.

i wish i can stop my mind from thinking too much with those random thoughts. it's saddening sometimes when u start to let your mind wander off too far and it influences your heart. it aches deeply because the mind connects in miraculous way with the heart. i wish i have a stronger heart which can withstands the bad weather and the harsh environment. those corrosion agents which slowly eat my heart away.

ok now do you see why i always wrote my post before i put it a title? because in the end my post does not imply with its title so i have to tag this post as random and crap!

poof!

i'm too full to fall asleep. and there're loads in mind right now. but that's not why i am scribbling here. sigh.

i just want to be invisible. gone like poof!....

















































see, i was gone for a while just now. unseen. just gone.

childhood memories.

when i was a kid, i used to hang out with my friends and play all sort of games. masak-masak, tikam selipar, kahwin putera puteri (i always become the puteri because of my two moles on my shoulder which symbolizes prettiness), jual nasi lemak, dolls, patung kertas (i loved this the most because i can design fancy dress for the naked patung kertas), lari pecut 1 lorong, baseball kampung and the list goes on. when i grew a lil bigger, i started to play basketball and acted like a tomboy. short hair, short pants with big T, dark skin and walked like a samseng 'kiak'. seriously! i even talked like one with lots of dirty words came out of the mouth. but that was back then.

i felt in 'love' with a samseng 'kiak' and i was pretty sure he felt the same way too. we talked on phone (not hp of course!) for hours but somehow our relationship did not went well because one of his friend apparently had a deep crush on me. oh screwed him! so that was back in 1999, after 1 year anniversary of my 1st menstrual period which marked my teenage hood.

i loved the feelings of being a kid, the innocent faces we had once, and the clean heart which feels instant guilt when we commit something wrong. as we grew bigger, the conscience is no longer crystal clear. we compromise with all sorts of sin and wrong-doings. what a pity right?

and i miss kissing my dad's cheek whenever he bought me presents. i miss cuddling in his arm. i miss going for picnic by the beach and go fishing with my dad. now that i've become a wife, i wonder if dad still sees me as his lil' daughter. the one who is spoil too much because of his love. i'm so sorry if i somehow had disappointed you dad. i'll try my best to take good care of myself and my family. you have nothing to worry because you had done everything a father would do for his daughter. everything so you don't have to blame yourself for anything. you are the image of the fatherly side of God. you might find it hard to express your feelings sometimes but deep down you love us bestest and widest. i just know that so you don't have to say a thing...

new beginning.

it is indeed a new beginning. as for the past, i pray that i can forget you in a blink of eye. let me not dwell in it and suffer with the heart pain. i pray for the new family that we are creating, be with us, never ever leave us and continue to guide us. make us stay faithful in You just like how You've been faithful to us all the while. make us not to see only on the weaknesses of our partner but accept them as who they are right now.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the sea.

best friends are meant to be together for eternity.

the title says it all. even if i'm happily married, pls worry not, we will stay close to each other. you are my special mate after all because we don't need to sign any damn document just to get our commitment shown to the world. love and friendship are there between us. for eternity.

only for women.

past hurts. it really does. whenever i think of the past the heart beats even faster because of the sudden rush of anger and sadness. when you are both angry and sad, then it shall be called disappointment. people do lie to keep a relationship runs smoothly. to make sure they don't fight and stay in peace with each other. but whatever it is, we need to move forward and accept everything as past. because you can't change the past but u can surely do something to avoid past from repeating itself.

i have a friend whom betrayed me by going out with my bf. but it's in the past so i can't do much about it. i prayed for strength to forgive them, to forgive her especially. it takes time of course it does. when time flies, we will get numb and bored with the pain and slowly move on. and i'm so thankful to have other friends to hear me out. and i cant ask for more because friends and families are the greatest gift from God. the best gift is of course to have another life breathing in your womb. *(:*

i'm writing this to all the women out there. stay strong in whatever condition. because God had created us with tears which made us stronger emotionally and mentally. we might be seen weak physically, but remember gentlemen will not harm you physically. those who hurt women physically are simply 'si si'.

so Happy International Women's Day to all women!

self-explanatory

i hope this post is self explanatory.

no i'm not mad at anyone. i'm just bored. two weeks of holidays with no outcome. struggling with the laziness ain't easy at all. now i'm so used to the term janji melayu. i'm so sorry for not being punctual when time matters the most for most of us. there are so many regrets in me right now. i wish i could turn back time and correct my wrong doings. now i have to learn not to rush things up. 1 step at a time and not to put too much hope on actions which of course were done to give us results.

i'm working real hard here baby. now make sure you'll be good. not too much hope and pressure there right baby? (:

hectic !

it's a short yet an extreme hectic week for me. managing the stress i am currently under has just met the mother of success - FAILURE. but don't be afraid. stay bold. i can surely go through this. oh now it's a 'WE'. WE can surely go through this. (:

with all its might.

let the battle begin.

p/s: i will always be here. do not fear. be good. i will love you. trust me.

CNY !

chinese new year is just around the corner. to all the rabbits out there, i pray all of us (of course including me !) to succeed in our lives, to prosper remarkably and become more fruitful each and every day. :D

forte.

i was walking out from the instrument workshop with my boss after a cold and result-less meeting yesterday when suddenly a man whom i should describe as old and selekeh based on my first glance came toward us and offered his hand for a shake.

i just smiled and assumed he's just another friend of my boss. as they talked then i saw his name tag. it was my SV for goodness sake and i did not realize it was him ! he became so thin and his skin is burnt due to the chemo he has to go through due to his cancer. and during that instance tears rolled down by my cheek.

he seemed so strong as if as nothing had ever happened to him. he tried to talk with all might as the cancer had literally taken away the loud voice he used to have. all i can said to him was: pak cik! mek x pasan ya kitak tek eh. sowie~. and he smiled back. i believe no one will ever recognize it's him if he ever pass by them. but he is still the same man who smile with his crooked teeth and fight real hard to live longer.

i pray for courage and strength to always be in you throughout this period of hardship. God's will, you will able to beat the cancer. God's will, everything will be painless for you. God's will, everything will be fine and you will have nothing to be worried about. God's will, you will gain back the pounds that you had lost. and by God's will, you will stay healthy and happy beside your loved ones.

kamek sayang kitak.

i never really fancy local music. but this song makes me wild. :D as a sarawakian, i'm so proud of him! (:

buttons.

i wish i have the fast-forward and reverse buttons in life. whenever i'm uncertain with my decisions i could simply press the fast-forward button and examine the results. if i'm not satisfied with it then this is where the reverse button plays it role. urgh how i wish~ ):

why do i care so much about life ? can i just live my life and not give a damn about things that can be a burden to the brain system ? i hate the past. a lot it can kill the my human senses. i wish i can have my reverse button right now and change the path the way it should be. experience ain't teaching me anything because i will never have enough of it. loving someone who refuse to be loved is a waste of time because they will never understand the feelings of being loved n loved.

p/s: dear you, i'm so sorry for everything. for everything that we've been through, the love you've shared, the continuous care, for always being there. i really do appreciate them. please do take care.

boiling soup.

i really hate this state i'm currently in right now. everything seems not right and i feel like crying. maybe i need to go to bed early tonight and have some rest. it's the PMS. hate!

i'm pretty, so do u. (:

this i heart!

Fuckin' Perfect by P!nk

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're f*ckin' perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me...

part time babeh

tonight's class will be the last class of the semester. i've been teaching the 'kids' for 4 months and it was indeed a tiring job. i've become older by 5.78 years for God's sake. ngehhs. i guess it's time to say goodbye. i will surely be strict for your final paper. wish u luck. pfft !

maybe i need to stop writing short posts. sigh. this is so annoying !

random fact #38

if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what.

semangat!

haik! i must not cry myself to sleep tonight. nite peeps!

joyous moment.

can't wait for the day to come.

oh check out this website KL MARATHON. have you register yet?

hope to have the utmost fitness for that day. (: i am so gonna run till my heart comes out. hope to see you guys there. let's run the race together!

jog!

i'm going to jog! one of my friend told me to think of something stressful when i run to produce the adrenaline. yeah it's Daniel Yeo Ham Sap who told me that. LOL!

tet tet. bubhyee.

stewpid.

i can feel my blood pressure is rising up. my hands are shaking too. please give me strength to go through this once. pick me up and let's fly over this ocean of sorrow.

work !

draw a map, find a path, take a breath and run !

don't stop, not till u reach your destination !

adapting.

i'm going to end today with a smile. i will surely make it through.

oh i'm so thankful for my friends ! LOVE and lotsa KISSES !

note to self

this is the stage of life where you need to decide for your future. stop wasting time and get things moving. you will lose everything if you don't handle them carefully. so be bold and ignore those nonsense and self-destructing voices in your head.

a tomboy was me.

when i was still in primary school, i used to kutuk kutuk those seniors who had the seat in the bus and talked about guys non stop and ignoring we the smaller ones who had to stand and smelled each other in that crowded bus. of course they were those with light blue uniforms and i was in my dark blue uniform. and of course i didn't know what was the feelings of having a crush on someone back then. i was a tomboy who wore big t-shirt and tracksuit to almost everywhere. yeah even to the church where i supposed to present myself pleasantly in His presence. that was me last time. my mother even found it hard to put me on a proper dress. she even made me a blue baju kurung (blue is one of my fav colour !) so that i can wear it to the church. then one day it happened when i suddenly bleed through my nose when my mother keep nagging me to wear the baju kurung. since then my mom never complain about my dress code. i'm so sorry mama, you know how hard-headed i was right ?

and now at this age, all i could ever think of is this guy whom i call kesayangan. this is how it feels to be a grown up. i can sit here and talk about him all day long and ignore other people like they never exist. aha now i understand why ! :D

peace

i really need to stay strong. i believe i'll become tougher and bolder after this ! :D

breaking up

i'm the lousiest one.

i read through some articles about breaking up. finding courage as the first step is indeed the hardest part. so how can i jump to the final step if i don't even eat up the first step?

i'm the lousiest one. sigh.

camwhoring !

nahhh. this one is for you. i know you would miss me. cause i do too !

til then, take care. au revoir !

let there be peace !

i dont feel quite myself right now. it's gloomy outside. so do my heart.

i just wanna be happy. fuck you karma. i'd enough of this nonsense. pls let me go.

set sail !

please, please don't go back just yet. let's have a roadtrip and make it a memorable one.

long hair and skinny

i miss being the little me. i was so skinny that my mom started to worry and consulted a doctor if it was possible i had worms as my kekasihs gelap and hid it inside my stomach. and i miss having my long hair to cover my face whenever i was sleeping.

on top of all, i miss the feeling being problem-free. i don't want to grow any older than this. cause tomorrow's a worry for me.

grr.

no. i''m not going to blog anything about my students. no, i'm not going to do it ! haish.

oh oh, what ? you said she went TO home is correct ? are you joking ? like seriously she went TO home is correct ? dumb you. if you think your chinglish is better than mine, why bother to enroll to my class ?

yeah, it's about one lesson i taught in the class - prepositions.

hatred

hatred will kill you.

imminent death.

i've been thinking a lot these few days. and got pretty emotional too. maybe it's due to my defective breathing system due to the mucus congestion. or maybe perhaps due to the struggle of my inner self. i just want a fucking stable life for goodness sake !

p/s: we are facing our imminent death. yeah they are unpredictable. so put on your shield and be prepared for the final judgement.

motivation

i miss the feeling of excitement to go to class last time during my uni life. when the alarm rang, i would just opened my eyes and got up w/o any hesitation. oh maybe i did found it difficult to wake up for 8 a.m. class. but still i was excited to go to class to meet my friends and beloved lecturer. i just love seeing people and talk crap with them.

but now things have changed. i really need the motivation and strength (hoho !) to wake up every morning and get ready to go to work everyday. every fucking day ! i find it effing difficult to persuade myself to get myself off the bed. so i've been searching the catalysts which can improve the my eagerness to get my butt off the bed and go to work. nah by rising my pay won't make me more enthusiast with my work. because the more you are paid the bigger is the responsibility. d more responsibility, d more time u spend thinking/doing about your work. how demotivating is that ?

so i came out with a list of motivation-kickers:

1) new clothes ! whenever u have new clothes u sure are excited to wear them and show off to your colleagues, no ?

2) handsome colleagues ! i seriously in need of this. being stuck here in bintulu office with only a few colleagues makes me desperate to meet the outsiders. seriously desperate T_T

3) fun working place. have u ever imagine to have a work place like "Zooglers" do? i would be fun to have all those fun-facilities aite ? oh hell no my present company will never ever provide those.

4) next-door office ! need to drive to work every day is time-consuming and stress-contributing factors. so if the office is next door then i'll be more motivated to go to work. :p

these are all i can think off right now. oh no food will never can lure me to go to work. aite i need to get back to work now. happy working guys ! (:

twenty eleven.

it's indeed astonishing how fast time flies.

happy new year to all of you. may this year will be filled with love and laughter. (:

sincerely me,

gwEn