worry.

mother worries a lot. she can worry about almost everything. from too noisy to too quiet. from the small stuff like alarm clock not ringing till the big stuff like kids' well-being in schools. so how does a mother cope with everything? Doing other thing while the mind is diverted to think of another thing?

these days I worried damn much. what if they fail to achieve their milestone and got left behind? what if they x manage to become what I want them to become? what if they refuse to become what I want them to become? what if what I've done so far is insufficient? what if I just fail miserably just because I lack the knowledge of becoming a good mother? what if I can't become a role model because I used to become who I used to be? what if they know too much already and I can't control what to be input into their mind? and what if  I simply not ready to become a mother?

I believe it's every mom wish to be a supermom. they can juggle everything with their two mighty hands and not sweat at all. they can go anywhere with their children and manage them well and not shouting at their children to behave in the store. they can bring the kids to the playground, cook dinner later and not feeling tire at all. they can go to bed as early as 12 midnight and wake up at 5 to prepare everything for the kids. off to work without feeling sleepy and come back and do the same routine all over again. weekends are full with activities to keep the kids occupy and house chores are never delayed. in short, they can do everything, taking care of everyone including themselves and never complain.

to mothers out there, don't you wish you can become like this? bold and strong and never complain! give me some time and i surely can become one! oh thank you deng for always being there w'pun kena kerepak, anok and diberik muka yg masam. heart!

iCloud best (part 2)

i almost forget to update on the outcome of the 'search and rescue' mission. yeah we got the phone back, but nah the phone is no longer usable (as of now) since the old simcard is of course being thrown away by the 'borrower'. since the phone was jailbreak (hm i still can't get the meaning of jailbreak and unlocking), the phone refused to work with the replacement simcard. so the iphone is now an ipod touch. an expensive one! according to the tech geek at home, we need to wait for updates to jailbreak the phone.(or is it the word unlock is more appropriate here?) as of the steward, nah we are not sure what action had been taken upon him. let's hope he had learned his lesson. duit duit bole dicari, tapi to be respected you need to work hard for it. til then. take care and bye.

Pokes!

It's been awhile since i last express myself here in this empty space bordered by the universe. Im trying to control my mind not to act more than the script wants me to. Old ppl often say the behaviour a child depending so much on how the mother behave when she's carrying the child in the womb. Thus make me a quiet, soft-spoken, cool, happy go lucky mother. But at times my tongue slipped and i talked nonsense which i later regret too much i wish nobody wants to talk to me so that tongue-slipping moment will never happen. The nonsense stuff is like oh we will get a 6month bonus because our area manager got profits from his sawit. (my area manager has sawit plantation as his side income, no i dont work in sawit industry - thus i labelled this stuff as nonsense). I dont want my child (a baby boy after scanning the tummy twice) to be such a (ermm is poyo the most suitable adjective in this case?) expressive person that he might hurt others' feelings through his words. Because words are sharper than the double edged sword. So dear random thoughts, pls dont come to my mind. I dont want my boy end up talking poyo with his friend. He might be funny, but no i just cant accept that. Bak kata laki aku, poyo macam mat sihat. Oh mat sihat is my father in law! Hahahah!

posted from Bloggeroid

Role model.

I'm that type of person who don't forget easily. especially when someone breaks my heart and my trust. they can wish me well with my life not knowing deep down the scar they left me with is beyond amendment. and I am that type of stubborn bitch who are willing to lose everything to win a thing. and the feeling of winning is like heaven slow to know what I've lose will soon make my heart broken, again. that's why forgiving someone seems to be so hard to be implemented in my daily life. I can talk about them 24/7 without realising by doing so I'm forcing my mind to keep on thinking about the pain instead of focusing on other things which can ease away the pain. Now, being a mother I want to be the best example for my child (or children coming soon!). instead of cursing when careless drivers who fail to put on their signal when making a turn, I want to be someone who think positive of them i.e. oh they must be like me who have baby shouting behind and somewhat forget to put on signal. I want to be a cool mother who don't complain much about daily life and just stay tough even when I'm literally drained off (this I must admit I deserve an F because I've complained so much, too much! uhuk!). I really salute my mom who is able to wake up early morning and be the last person to sleep to keep the house tidy and clean as possible. there is not once the plates were left overnight in the sink (unless the kutus malam come out cook supper for themselves). that is how strong and mighty is my mom. Going back to forgiving and forgetting, I really wanted that peace of mind where I can really really forgive and let go. sometimes deep down I 'curse' them not to have the happiness that they wanted to have since they had tried to take away mine. but this is no good and shame to me because I might just raise a kid who hold grudge against me, the parent, if somewhat I fail to be a good mother to them. oh this is so sad I must transform right away!! uh-oh! dear child/children, mama will never ever give up in becoming the best mom on earth. believe me and please, too, don't give up on me. love, Mama.

iCloud best (part 1)

today i'm going to post a photo of someone whom i not know, let alone meet with. this photo was taken from my husband's iCloud account and to our disappointment, his phone (which he lost it last 2 weeks) is currently at the hand of the steward who pretend to be looking hard for the phone when my husband came back to the flight to look for his phone which was not in his pocket. i remembered my husband told me that pramugara siap tertonggeng tonggeng cari fon tp x jumpa jgk. oh memanglah x jumpa klau ada yg sembunyikan, kan? nah this is his picture. muka handsome tp panjang tangan. apa hukum utk org yg ambik barang org lain wahai anak2? hmm. hopefully can meet this steward when we are on board to klia this coming august! will update more after this ok!

perfection.

nothing is perfect. and today the imperfection makes me cry. i just can't be perfect and i can't have that perfectness which i long for. why is it have to be that way? this is frustrating and hurtful and i can't stop crying. dear baby, pls be perfectly healthy. i've loved you. love, mama.

Ecstasy!

i've been very lazy lately. i slept a lot and it frustrates me. i wonder if this laziness is due to the pregnancy hormone, or is it me finding excuse just to be lazy. sigh. raya is coming soon (oh puasa pun blom gik!) and im so super excited about it! my azam to wear kebaya for this raya is jauh bintang hendak dicapai because i'll be in my 2nd trimester thus wearing a kebaya is like putting an elephant in a fridge. oh i'm not an elephant of course i'm not!


this is Sophie reading her First Book. siap bersila lagi okay! you all should see how she combs her hair! oh my ecstasy!

posted from Bloggeroid

Life.

being alive for almost 25 years make me realise that people will make us down, but God is always there for us. and people will eventually die, but God is immortal.

Ramadhan is coming soon, thus to all that will be fasting, may the hunger not defeat you and faith bring you 1 step closer to our Creator. Amin.



Sophie just loves the water splashing!

posted from Bloggeroid

cruel cruel world.

i'm so in the mood to write, i can literally see the ideas pouring out of my head. but too much of them spoil my mood. i just couldn't focus. the cruelty of the world is easily so made known nowadays. we have Youtube, Twitter, FB and what not. and today i forgot to stop myself from watching the cruel video of a mother hitting her 10-month old child. i don't want to expose myself to this kind of cruelty. i just don't want to know that there is such cruelty! but this world is cruel i just have to chalk it up. sad sad sad. the sadness can't be bear any longer i have to let the tears come out and wash away the splinter of the video on my cheek.


mama heart you sophie. love! (:

posted from Bloggeroid

O2.

Cuteness sky high.

posted from Bloggeroid

my wedding.

this time i would to share about my wedding. no fancy stuff just the wajib stuff. hihi.

my wedding was the simpliest wedding i would say. there was no celebration and attended by a friend, my mom, my aunt and my lil bro. that was it. the akad nikah was held at JAIS bintulu office. but my mas kahwin was quite high to compensate the zero hantaran perhaps. there was no hantaran because it was not my parents' culture to ask for things in exchange for their daughter. and my dad was against it at that time. huhu. thank goodness my mom was there to make sure i went through all the brick walls. and it was not easy.
when tha day came, everything was smooth except for the lafazing part. both of our names were very hard to pronounce the juru nikah had to rehearse again and again to get our names right. but it was fun. with the wet palm, the nervousness, the wrong pronounciation of names where we had to go through the lafaz part 3 times if im not mistaken. we bought 2 set of secret recipe cakes all the way from miri in return of their favour. our wedding belanja is as below:
1. kain baju kurung n baju melayu (no fancy2)
2. secret recipe cake
3. air kotak
4. upah juru nikah and 3 witnesses
5. mas kahwin

that was it. simple right? the honeymoon part was even more fun ye! hoho..
ok i have nothing say oledi. til we meet again mate!

anger and disappointment.

can we just stone those rapist to death? and the mother, how could youuuu!!!

bullshit!

today will not be a good day. sigh.

pretty.

smiling to strangers can really make your day. especially when the strangers smile back instead of replying it with eh-do-i-know-this-beautiful-girl look. and today I smiled to a stranger and felt so good.

so smile, and the world will smile back to you. selamat hari kekasih.

I've made peace!

today, I would like to talk about grudge. I've been holding grudge against this person whom I shall not call a friend  because we never really become friends. I wont describe any longer about her because it would be very easy to guess. and I won't talk about what she had done to me which make me hated her so much because I've made the decision to forgive. what I want to talk about is holding this grudge and the impact to me.

the saying 'you'll grow old and sick when you hate someone' is very true. because anything that can trigger your memory about the person you hated so much will basically increase your blood pressure, then you become easily annoyed and angry. hence, when you are mad, your relationship with your partner will be jeopardized because you choose to quarrel with him to express your "dissatisfication".

how do I know? because this is what exactly I did. and I'm not happy at all with what I've done. whenever I had bad dreams with this person as one of the character in it I would woke up feeling moody and of course my husband yang kena tempias. I would forced him to tell me how much he love me because I feel so insecure. but it never succeed because I chose to doubt him instead of being convinced by him.

I know how hard it is to forgive someone when that someone wronged us. we are no saint to forgive so easy and move on. apatah lagi if you were betrayed by someone whom you thought will never ever betray you. ouch! but today, I choose to forgive and move on. because holding grudge is no easy job. and it brings no goodness at all! let bygones be bygones. we are all human so who's to judge them for their wrong-doings? so by forgiving I hope whenever something trigger my memory about this person I can smile and say to myself, I've forgiven this person and I'm happy now.

oh, when you believe you are beautiful and being loved by those whom you loved, this forgiving process will certainly can be done with no hassle at all. so let's us learn to forgive and let go all those grudge. to appreciate those who are around us instead of making them as punching bag.

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. - Harriet Nelson


A personal offense is like a scratch on a phonograph record. I couldn't move my thoughts beyond my pain. It kept repeating, as if I were stuck within its grooves. There was only one way to play beyond it. I had to forgive them, so my heart could take its form again. - Laurel Lee

boiling water.

these days I lost my temper so easily. even the sticky floor can trigger the rage. sigh. I guess I really need a break. or maybe a walk. I really miss running. because when I run, I feel relieve. I feel as if I still have the control over my body. to sacrifice your life for someone else's is not easy. it requires time, patient and most importantly, love. will you sacrifice your life for someone whom you not love? and I miss my me-time where I can read my book and not give a damn to anything else.

today.

and at this moment of distress, I have no one but You alone to seek help and guidance.
make me stronger than yesterday, dear Lord. make me stronger.

bob bob baby blue.

this is how it feels to work in an air-conditioned office. you feel so cold that the eyes choose to shut itself.





































my eyes are struggling right now. sigh. I really need to lie down and sleep.

heart break.

whenever a person treat you like you dont deserve any love, dumb him. why wait? why so faithful to those who never give you a thought? if insecurities strike you, move on. dont get too attach with those who cant promise you anything. who put himself above anyone else. who thinks he's so great he can treat others like rubbish.

right now, i feel like running. run away and never return. but responsibilities cant be taken for granted. and running away is no longer an option.

101.

they say 101 means eternity. so for this 101th post, i would like to pray for everlasting love among us.

may future be bright for us, may love bind us together till the very end.

give me oil in my lamp.

sad. sad. sad. spending too much time reading news makes me sad. incredibly sad. really, what's wrong with the world, mama? where have we gone wrong? how can those incidents ever happen? girl raped by their own father and brothers? mom performed blowjob to her own son? a 17-year-old boy killed a family of 4? like how come? why so cruel? kenak sampei glak hati molah macam ya? T_T

good and bad are totally messed up. if the society accepts gay marriage does that make it right? because right and wrong are two different things. for right is white, and wrong is black. there's no grey area.you can't be in the between. it's unacceptable. let them be, as long as they are happy then it's okay. what does okay means? okay means it's okay to commit sin/crime as long as the doer is happy? this is so wrong. 

consciences no longer work. desire has totally overpowered them. sad?

this I must share!

found this interesting post on the 9gag. very creative indeed. and the level of cuteness is sky high!!

funny.

because collision which happen on a straight road is hilarious. it's unacceptable. how can it happen at the first place? but again, who ever can smell bad luck is god. sigh.

short update.

today is sophie 1st day at school. eh nursery. she woke up early today (as usual) and start googii-ing sampai bising satu rumah. oh I hope everything goes well. can't wait to pick her up later in the evening.

sophie's (2 months old) having fever after her injection. can you see her watery eyes. huhu.

wiggle wiggle wiggle.

I almost gave up. googling for nurseryain't easy at all. till i found this one blog which save my life. wheehu!

We are going to pay a visit to the taska later. hopefully can secure a place for sophie. sending her to my mom's house at bakam is very tiring. we (sophie and I) spent 3 hours everyday on the car so I know how tiring it must be for sophie to wake up early every weekdays. I hope by sending her to this nursery, she can enjoy her sleep more in the morning and  not becoming so cranky at night.

this is the picture of the three of us! the best I have so far. hope to shoot more wonderful family picture after this. 

ambulance driver.

I wonder, how can ambulance drivers drive their ambulance steadily when there are people behind fighting for their lives? the sound of the siren is enough to make me panic.

surely, they are heroes too!

unpost entry.

there're so much to say but i guess right now silent is the best way to keep the heart numb. can't think of better way to ease the pain. so much pain, so much hatred, so much regret, so much tears that i became worried if the baby might feel the same feelings i'm having right now. i pray that you can become stronger than ur mom, it's okay if you want to cry as much as your mother did, but pls be stronger, in whatever circumstances know that God will always be with you to lead you the way. and the path lead by God will always be the calmness path. it might not be the easiest one but acknowledge that God will keep your heart calm and you definitely sail it through smoothly. with no regret, no hatred, but with joy and gladness.

okay now i talk like my dad. >.

security.

I admit that I'm a person who can easily feel insecure. anything that reminds me of the past can make me feel insecure. so much of insecurities that eventually jeopardize my relationship with my loved ones.

how not to feel insecure? simple, by reminding myself that we live not for the world but for God alone. everything will come to an end eventually and God has promised us heaven when everything ends. but is my faith enough to secure a place there in heaven? thinking about that make me feel insecure, again. sigh.. why so much of insecurities? so how not to feel insecure?

I miss driving at high speed. gugu. (x berkaitan langsung!)

seriously sleepy.

waking up early every weekdays is a challenge for me. now that the school has started I need to wake up even more early to avoid the frustrating jam.

Chinese new year is coming soon. can't wait to have a long sleep during the weekdays. thank God this year it falls on Monday and Tuesday! then we anak beranak can cuddle in bed together and enjoy our long weekend.

oh! Sophie has started to roll over! today i woke up to find her leg at the edge of the bed. I quickly put her back on her bed and place her booster beside her before feeding her. Watching her grinning in her sleep is so much delightful. I hope she enjoys growing up because I'm enjoying every moment of it. and it seems like yesterday that I saw her being lifted out from my tummy. how time flies kan?! hope it's not too late to wish you all a happy new year. I hope this year we can grow more mature physically, mentally and spiritually.

till we meet again in next entry okay! take care!