Sophie.

I have a two-year old daughter named Nur Sophie Hanaa whom we called Sophie or Sopi (with high pitch at the end when she refused to listen to us).

She's independent and tough. Cry just to attract attention but she can do everything on her own, especially in entertaining herself. I'm so proud of you, Sophie. You are the reason why I'm still here, fighting.

Bacaan Doa Berlindung Dari Musibah Berat

“Allaahumma innii a’uuzubika min jahdil balaa’i wa darakisy syaqaa’i wa suu ‘il qadaa’i wa syamaatatil a’da ‘i”

“Ya Allah, aku berlindung kepada-Mu dari musibah yang berat, celaka yang menimpa, keputusan (qada) yang buruk, dan kejahatan para musuh. (H.R. Bukhari)”

A bouquet of tulip.

I love flowers especially tulips. I find them timid yet beautiful. When I was 'younger', I used to cut out the image of tulips from tissue boxes and made them into bookmark, birthday card etc. I'm no creative people so my handcrafts were ugly. Even my handwriting is ugly.

And so today I pray for a bouquet of tulip flowers. Just to make me feel that I'm appreciated. Just to make me know they care. And to let me know that out there, there is someone reading this post.

Tulip cultivation farm, Netherlands

Senang Hatikah Kita Melihat Orang Lain dalam Kesusahan?

Saya bangun tengah malam untuk buat sesi "power pumping". Sambil itu saya muhasabah diri. Saya cuba untuk melihat kesenangan diri dari perspektif orang lain. Senangkah hidup saya? 

Sering kali kita rasa kasihan apabila melihat kesusahan orang lain yang tiada kaitan darah dengan kita. Apabila membelek surat khabar terpampang wajah anak kecil yang menderita akibat didera, hati kita pun berbisik "Ya ampun, kesian nyaaa!" Tapi apabila saudara mara datang meminjam wang kita sering kali berasa berat hati untuk meminjam, mengapakah? Ya, ini soalan yang saya tuju untuk diri saya. Mengapa begitu berat hati ini untuk menolong orang yang saya kenal lebih dari anak kecil yang terpampang di surat khabar itu? Kalau kita google masalah rumahtangga selalunya berkaitan dengan keluarga atau saudara mara ingin pinjam duit, dilema ingin bagi pinjam ke tidak, soal jawab agama wajibkah membantu mereka yang asyik meminjam duit dan tak pulang-pulang dsb. Tiada (mungkin ada, tapi jarang sekali) soalan yang berkaitan haruskah saya menderma kepada anak kecil yang kena dera and what not. You get what I mean?

Saya ingat lagi semasa saya hampir bersalin Khaleef, kerana khuatir kos pembedahan (Cesar operation) melebihi had insuran ketika itu iaitu RM6k, saya dan suami berusaha untuk meminjam duit untuk back-up in case kos melebihi had tersebut. Bapa saya ketika itu pula sedang berada di offshore. Tapi, tidak ada seorang pun yang ingin membantu. Bukan minta, tapi pinjam! Semasa bersalin Sophie, bapa saya baru sahaja menerima duit kwsp dia, jadi kami tidak risau sekiranya terlebih had (terlebih RM300 ketika itu), bapa saya yang tolong bayarkan sebab dia memang sayang akan saya yang ketika itu menganggur, hihi!. Perasaan sebelum bersalin Khaleef ketika itu sangat hiba, dengan dilema tak tahu ingin proceed dengan normal atau operate lagi, tekanan tak tahu bila baby nak keluar dan saya cukup kenal suami saya yang tidak akan menolak kalau orang lain yang ingin meminjam. Biarlah suami saya terpaksa berhutang dengan pihak bank dengan menebar kad kredit beliau kepada cashier ketika membeli barang keperluan rumah, biarlah suami saya menanggung late charge fee dengan menangguh pembayaran kereta, kerana itu lah sifat beliau yang saya ingin pelajari; to put others' need beyond own need.

Jadi semalam saya fikir dalam-dalam. Senangkah hidup saya? Ya, hidup saya cukup senang! Saya ada otak yang masih geliga dan badan yang semakin sihat! My limbs are all functioning well, and most importantly saya ada suami saya dan anak-anak saya. Tidak apa hidup dalam kesederhanaan jika "kelebihan" pendapatan dikongsi bersama saudara mara. Tidak apa jika tidak mampu membeli rumah sendiri (rumah di Miri sangat sangat sangat sangat mahal ok!) dan benamkan hasrat membawa Kia Forte jika "kelebihan" pendapatan boleh memberi kehidupan selesa kepada saudara mara. Bukahkan itu perasaan kasihan yang sama apabila melihat budak mempakai kopiah berjalan sini sana meminta derma di kedai mamak? Tidak perlu kita fikir kalau buat begini dia tidak akan belajar untuk berusaha kerana setiap perbuatan pasti akan dapat pahala/dosa/hikmah nya. Siapa kita untuk mengadili semua itu? Saya ingin ada rumah besar yang selesa, jadi saya harus bekerja keras untuk mencapai keinginan tersebut, saya ingin makan mewah, jadi saya harus belajar menguruskan wang, saya ingin berjalan-jalan melancong serata dunia, saya harus belajar menabung. Bukan duduk bertenggek, mengadu saudara mara pinjam duit tak pulang-pulang kerana kesenangan kita bukan milik kita sahaja. Rezeki kita ditentukan oleh Dia. Kalau ada orang datang meminta tolong, jangan fikir oh nanti hujung bulan aku  tidak ada duit, tapi fikirkan lah apa yang orang itu hadapi esok kalau kita tidak menghulurkan bantuan.

Oh, semasa bersalin Khaleef, total fee terlebih RM155 sahaja, syukur kami ada duit sebanyak itu dan boleh claim dari kompeni tempat saya bekerja. Nahh, ini pun kesenangan, bukan?

Confinement (part 2)

Remember when i talked about confinement? I believe every people or every race i would say will have different style of confinement. Chinese will have their hair not wash for a month, the Iban will have to sit beside fire all day, the Malay will need to bath everyday and so on. So what can we conclude from here? YES! Different people will have different style of confinement!

What I'm about to write here today is my dissatisfaction towards those who condemn others just because they have different style of confinement. Latest remark I got from my colleague was how ignorant I am in berpantang makan. Yes, I breastfeed. But breastfeeding doesn't mean you can't eat what you want to eat. Yes, I underwent cesarean operation. But my doctor didn't tell me that I should not have any seafood. Why did old folks warn us certain food was simply because different people might have different reaction toward certain food (read allergic). I'm not allergic to seafood so why must I stop myself eating them? Funny right?

Ahhh yes, I do not have the gut to yell at them upfront. Simply because yelling at them will show how immature I am. It was no use talking to them after all because every people confine in different way. Oh they do not even have kids yet!

I'm super mad!

Today, I am super duper mad. I feel like throwing tantrum everywhere to everyone. But I can't.  I just can't. I am a mother,  and a mother should know how to control her temper. A mother should be seen as a perfect person who would raise perfect kids to be a perfect person, no?

So what am I mad at? I'm mad at people. Those selfish people.Orang selalu ingat kerja laut seronok. Duit masyuk, rumah besar, kereta mewah, makan sedap, shopping sakan, dompet berisi. Mereka lupa pelaut turun ke laut dengan meletak nyawa mereka di hujung tanduk. What if something happen on the platform/ship? They have no where to run except down to the sea, kan? Dalam laut ada ikan besar, jerung, obor-obor, mungkin spongebob yang tak seberapa friendly kepada manusia. Tak payah cakaplah pasal letupan, minyak terpancut, kebakaran, gas bertoksik, heli rosak, serangan lanun, diculik lanun dsbnya. Understand the risk? Kelakar kan kalau orang cakap orang kerja offshore kaya banyak duit, boleh beli apa saja.

Thus, the madness.

i swear!

I seldom swear. For me, swearing is for those who is difficult to earn someone else's trust. It might because of their well-known breaking-promises habit, or maybe because the counter part is having issues to see promises being fulfilled.

And today, i swore..

Why do i swear? Simply because I want my counter part to know how serious I am in making that particular promise. I swear because it can help putting pressure on me to keep the promise I've made. I swear because I couldn't find other word to let her know how committed I am in keeping my promise. But I wonder if she could understand anything I've just said to her. I wonder after a day or two she could still remember what I told her when we were in the car heading to her nursery school.

I still think swearing is not good. When you promise, fulfill them. If you can't fulfill them, then don't promise. I used to be taught on how a person could use the word "Insya-Allah" as in exchange with the word "See 1st la". Somehow they become synonym that I came to believe "insya-Allah" simply means "I'll think about it". So whenever a person said "insya-Allah" , my hope would just flew away...

So, this is why I swore.

Contented.

Today i feel so contented. Perhaps it is true when they say mixing with positive ppl build a positive you. I feel so lucky to get to know some positive ppl. It makes me want to improve myself, improve my family, and most importantly to improve my relationship with The Almighty.

retrenchment.

Not a good topic to talk about, but I need to let it all out. Our company is currently not in a good base to maintain its people. Projects are going slow, a few of on-going project, but not enough to give everyone man-hour to charge to. Thus, the retrenchment. The sad part is even the permanent staffs are affected and the term, late-in-first-out is being used here as a basis of "letting go" its permanent staffs. So I have to be prepared mentally to receive any letter within next week, or maybe next next week.
My dad experienced the same thing when he was with Shell in 1990's. During economy downturn, the company have to retrench its contract staff in order to stand still. He fought to be maintained but to disappointment. It is usual for the company to retrench the contract staff first before the permanent staff. That's one of the biggest benefit of being a permanent staff despite the smaller salary compared to those contract staff.
So now the 'what-if' question starts to pop. What if I'm among them? They will be no income, no more online-shopping, no more money to provide to the parents, and we will have to cut down our expenses and ask for money from those who are borrowing money from us. Sigh..

Rumah!

To own a house of my own is always my dream. No need big big house, small yet comfortable house is more than enough for me. When you have your own house, then you can drill holes anywhere you like, paint them in your fav colours, and most importantly, no hesitation when it comes in writing down your mailing address. Why is this important for me? Simply because, you don't have to bother to change your mailing address every time you move from one rented house to another rented house. You won't want your credit card statement to be at the wrong hand, do you?

So, because of this, we bought a house! Wheee to us! But it is still under construction. According to the agreement, it shall be completed by 2015, insya-Allah! Can't wait to move to our own new house!

I'll talk more on the process of purchasing a house in future entry okay!

Why vitamin B-complex?

During this confinement period, i found vitamin B-complex is very important to ensure my body is strong enough to take care of lil' Khaleef and his big sister, Sophie. Thank God for an understanding husband who would cook lunch and dinner for me so that i can have enough rest during the day. Okay back to our topic, why vitamin B-complex?

Vitamin B-complex contains all the B vitamins;  B1 (thiamine), B2 (riboflavin), B3 (niacin), B5 (pantothenic acid), B6, B7 (biotin), B9 (folate) and B12. These B vitamins help to produce energy and form red blood cells. Red blood cells main function is to deliver oxygen to the body tissues. Deficiency in B vitamins can cause tiredness, anemia, loss of appetite, depression, abdominal pain, muscle cramps, hair loss, and eczema. Taking certain B vitamins can help prevent kidney disease, migraines (i suffered with this almost everyday during my second pregnancy), heart disease, breast cancer etc. 

Currently i'm consuming Shaklee B-complex with folic acid. Folic acid is essential in helping the formation of the red blood cells in our body. It can help to prevent neural tube defects for women who are planning pregnancy before conception. It contains no artificial flavours, sweeteners, colours, and no preservatives added. Natural it is! Try toconsume them, with God's willing, you will certainly feel and see the difference!

Rain.

I really love it when it rains. Especially during this confinement period. When it rains, i feel less hot and i can sleep more soundly since the baby is enjoying the cold weather too. One thing i like the most when it rains is the smell of the road. I used to work at field before. Sometimes, it is enough just to smell the rain after a long hour working under the hot sun. It refreshes the mind, soul and body. And of course, if it rains, we can go back early and mengular. 

Can't wait to end this confinement. I want to be strong and healthy, because i believe a supermom can be produced!

Breastfeeding.

I have a family member who doesn't support breastfeeding. Why? I have no idea too. It hurts everytime when she came to visit and put a remark that i have not enough breast milk to supply to little khaleef. The same thing happened when i was breasfeeding sophie. I was katak di bawah tempurung at that time, having this remark constantly uttered to my ear, i surrender and gave up. This i regret till forever. This time, i am more knowledge equipped. Breastmilk is produced based on demand. Whenever there is demand, there will be production. Most importantly, sabar, doa, usaha and tawakal. This is for a good cause, God will provide. He will certainly provide!

Health supplement.

I only managed to get B3 for my SPM Biology paper. I've struggled to the very end. My strategy of sleeping at 12 midnight and to wake up at 4a.m. for final revision had failed me after all. I even took the courage to swallow 2 packs of nescafe 3-in-1 to make the eyes stayed open. Little that i know lacking of sleep makes the brain less functional and what i've read few hours before the paper was not there in my memory registry. I went to the examination hall feeling so much tired than confident. During my uni life, i learned to take things more slowly. I put less stress on myself and try to manage my time wisely. But in uni, staying awake till late midnight is a trend. To hang out at mamak after hours of revision is a must. But i did not take any nescafe 3-in-1 to stay awake. When the eyes can't take it anymore, i'll go to bed and have some rest. But during lectures and tutorials, i tried to grab as much as possible so that when i revise, i'd spent less time understanding what i read. I was no bright student who score in every subject, i was an average student with average learning rate but was hardworking enough to make myself able to compete with others. I got dean's list award for seven consecutive semester. My final semester was a tough one. Met a crazy guy which i can't let go off up till this moment. Constantly went out for movies, dinner, supper, and what not. So it is true they say uni life is the best among all.

Oh back to the topic. Health supplement. Now, being a mother of two, health supplement is part of the meal. A working mother of two makes my schedule tighter, more laundry to be washed, more tummy to be fed, more needs to be met etc. I'm not saying that i depend on supplement to stay active, but they do help! They help me to reduce stress as well. How? Simply by giving me more energy. When you are less tired, you will have enough energy to attain to various need and request from those around you. Now this is important as mother because it is my job to take care of my loved ones; to make sure they have enough love and attention. I wont talk any science or chemistry or what not here, because it is not my field. Give me some time to study them, and i'll get back to you in future entry. I have 60 days minus 14 days to spend! Wheee.

Confinement.

Today is my 7th day of confining. Felt so much healthier compared to previous confinement. I still remember last time when my in laws came which was already day-20, i was still using my hand to support my belly and constantly felt tired. But today, on day 7, my belly has shrank and i feel so energized. And yes this is what i prayed for when i decided to take few products from Shaklee and Catalyst as supplement - to feel energized and healthy. I took a bidan to take care of my physical body. I started my urut and bertapel session the day after i was being discharged. She bathed me and massage the whole body. First day was painful maybe because of the 'wind'. The following days were better. I wore bengkung around the tummy w/o touching the wounded area. And today the tummy has shrank and the wound is healing fast too. She gave me some ubat kampung to be taken daily to help to shrank the uterus. I had my bertangas session too.

Btw, have you guys ever wonder why did our datuk nenek can work under the sun at the age of 60 and look healthy in spite their old age?  I would say it is because of their food intake. Today, most of our food is contaminated with chemicals and fast food is always more tempting than home cook meal, no? That is why i believe food supplement is essential to provide those nutrient that we might missed out from our meal. Currently, im taking few vitamins which are essential for the body. Plus, im exclusively breastfeeding Khaleef, thus supplements which can enhance the milk production is vital. I'll share more on the vitamins in later post. It is time for me to have some rest. Night y' all and happy Chinese  new year!

second.

the feelings of expecting 2nd baby is so different than the 1st one. it is not less happy, it is somehow less expecting. get what I mean? I still remember when I was expecting for Sophie, I've prepared my bags 3 months ahead, bought some clothes 2 months before, prepared for everything before my pregnancy hit week  30th week. What I did after that was exercising, walking around the field for 1 hour or more everyday because I felt no significant pain to indicate I'll be giving labour soon. When I reached 40th week of pregnancy, there was still no significant pain. I went to the doctor and asked why was the baby not out yet because my bags were now full of dust and I didn't experience any sign of labour. The doctor asked me to wait for another week. Perhaps this waiting that made the 1st pregnancy more exciting. After 6 days, I went with cheerful face and end up being induced, because it's full term and I just want the baby to come out. To cut the story short, I ended up having caesarian because I can't stand the pain. T_T The pain was too much to bear and I can't think straight anymore. I took painkiller twice; one in the afternoon another one in the evening (not sure what type of medicine) and when my opening was 7cm (around 10pm) I begged for another painkiller but they can't give it to me because I've took the max dose. They should have told me to keep the last painkiller for this moment. sighhhh. ohh back to the preparation for this 2nd baby. As of now I'm in week 35, another 5 weeks to go. Maybe 2-3 weeks because the baby is down there already. Hopefully can go for normal. The mental must be strong. I must believe that I can do it. And hopefully the scar of previous operation x tear. HUHHUHUHHU. I'm scared but I'm ready to fight this battle. May God lead us to the right path. amin amin amin.

For this 2nd baby I tried to prepare more on mental, to read more books and blogs on the net. To equip myself with more knowledge on breastfeeding because breast milk is the best milk for the baby. I regretted for not fully breast feed Sophie. I'm so sorry sayang. but that does not make me love you less, you know that kan. sooooooooooooooooooo, I think that's all I wanted to share on expecting this 2nd baby. semoga dipermudahkan.